


Drowning In My Demons

by VinsuTheWriter



Series: Waves of Pain [1]
Category: Lego Ninjago
Genre: Depression, Gay, M/M, Pre-Season/Series 06, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Trans Male Character, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-17
Updated: 2021-01-15
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:41:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 28,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24224509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VinsuTheWriter/pseuds/VinsuTheWriter
Summary: Jay Walker, the blue ninja of Ninjago, a preppy man who covers his misery with jokes and sarcasm. His issues resurface in a way he never thought they would and he feels like he's alone. His only advice is to run from your demons before they grab you and pull you down into the depths of your own personal hell.
Relationships: Cole/Nya (Ninjago), Kai/Skylor (Ninjago), Lloyd Garmadon/Jay Walker, Misako & Sensei Wu (Ninjago), P.I.X.A.L./Zane (Ninjago)
Series: Waves of Pain [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1748482
Comments: 17
Kudos: 38





	1. Reality

**Author's Note:**

> Jay is always underestimated, hurt and belittled in ways many of us are familiar are with. This is his journey to that makes the difference between rising above the waves of misery that have threaten to swallow him his whole life or to become the fallen angel of Ninjago.

We all have to face reality someday, whether you like it, or not. Life doesn't care what you think about what happened yesterday, what is happening today, or what will happen tomorrow. It's just that painful.

That's the life of Jay Walker as he continues to try but he doesn't know why, he continues to work when he doesn't have any motivation to even get out of bed in the morning, he continues to live with a struggle. One that none of his brothers know nor does he want them to know. Reason why he's like this?

There's many, the twists, and turns he's faced has always made it hard for him to have a sense of stable mental health but the straw that really broke the camel's back was when Nya just abandoned him for his best friend because of a goddamn machine. He could never really see P.I.X.A.L in anything other than a bitter light after that, sadly.

Jay's felt rejection before, so he shouldn't be so heartbroken, it's more common than the flu during flu season but he had never been hurt to so much of a degree; Kai's with Skylar, Zane's with P.I.X.A.L, Cole, and Nya are together, hell, even Sensei Wu is with Misako after Garmadon's death. It kind of made you feel alone -which is strange when you are roommates with like, seven people. Lloyd was the only one who could even begin to fathom how he felt but he knew that the green ninja was comfortable with being single, so that crossed him off of the list. This sometimes unconsciously fuels his mental demons, he's never realised how much being the only person without a partner could make him feel like utter shit but that isn't much of a change.

He's currently home after everyone had agreed on a family dinner to catch up on things but Jay couldn't even bare the thought of being in the same room as his ex-girlfriend and his ex-best friend. So Jay just coughed up that he wasn't feeling good, and that he should get some rest. Nya offered to stay, and Cole stepped up to take care of him but he reassured them that he was fine, just tired, he didn't need to deal with them together.

Jay took out a leather notebook he had been gifted by his parents back in his teen years "I'm sorry I'm writing such disgusting stuff on this mom and dad, I just need the outlet." He whispered to himself, hoping that they would hear even though he knew that it wasn't going to ever reach his parents. He took a pen, and started scribbling down reasons why he should cut, why he should be punished for what he's done. After writing around ten reasons he messily signed it with the word freak at the bottom.

He closed he worn booklet and snatched a metal box that was placed on his nightstand, he gently placed the book into the box, shut the lid, and connected the latches. Jay placed it on the floor, and kicked it back underneath his bed, hearing the metal clang against the wooden panels of the Bounty. He stood up, and went into his bathroom, "Where is it. Where is it." He mumbled to himself as he searched his drawers, finding his newly sharpened knife below his med kit, he decided to take a roll of bandages and rubbing alcohol with him too.

He sat on his bed, and laid the clean up supplies on the nightstand, holding the custom engraved knife in his left hand, Jay expertly rolled up his sleeve, leaving the skin of the right wrist exposed, hundreds of white lines already tainted the area, he touched the knife with his fingertips, as if checking if it was worthy to plunge into his body, and stain it with his own blood. Fuck if he knew, all he wanted was pain, not more anxious thoughts.

He stabbed his right wrist and then dragged it over make a small cut, then he went over to the right and slit again, and again, and again until his wrist was beautifully decorated with fresh, bleeding incisions. Jay laid the knife next to the bandages then started staring at the flowing crimson. Dripping from his arm onto the wooden floor as his mind wandered.

"Useless"

"Weak"

"Freak"

"Fraud"

"Worthless"

"Chatterbox

"Shut up"

"Kill yourself"

"No one"

"Nothing"

"Nobody would care if you were gone"

"Fat"

"Ugly"

Jay was snapped out of his thoughts as his pant pocket started vibrating, he slipped his phone out and entered his passcode, checking who texted him "Water Angel." He rolled his eyes, he really needed to change Nya's contact name cause these old nicknames are bound to kill him out of pure cringe. He read the text, ignoring the stinging of his wrists, and how his skin seemed to be getting stained with red.

Water Angel: Hey, you feeling better, everyone's been asking about you.

She then sent a picture in which everyone talking while she was taking a selfie with Lloyd in the background blowing spitballs through his straw, all landing in Kai's spiky hair, Skylar tried not to give the green ninja by suppressing a smile and trying to keep a normal conversation with the fire ninja. It almost made Jay let a small smile crack on his face, almost.

TheLightningMaster: Yeah, I'm fine.

"Jay's feeling better." She reassured the rest of them making the others feel more at ease, they felt slightly guilty by leaving Jay alone at the Bounty but they had planned this for a while now and they couldn't back out.

Water Angel: That's good, the others are relieved, are you in bed?

Jay frowned, knowing that she wanted solid evidence that he was in bed, he lied down, getting more comfortable and wrapped himself under the covers, using his right hand to hold the phone, and his left one made a peace symbol, mostly being covered by the blankets. He takes the picture, inspects it for any red, and when he sees none he sends it to Nya. After that he checks his phone for one last text.

Water Angel: We're coming home soon, we're paying rn

He reads the message and turns off his phone, leaving it on his bed for him to grab when he finishes cleaning himself up. He swings his feet off the edge of the bed, and lands on his feet, taking the rubbing alcohol, knife and bandages in his arms and into the bathroom with him. He scrubs his arm, ridding it of any dried and wet blood, he grabbed toilet paper and blot his skin, throwing it into the garbage. Jay opens the rubbing alcohol easily and splashes it on his arm, not even wincing at the sting, unwrapping the edge of the bandages and tightly looping it once or twice around the area he cut.

Grabbing more toilet paper he walked over to the bedroom and cleaned any floorboards that had even a smidge or crimson on it, knowing it would stain if he left it any longer. After that he unraveled handfuls of extra paper and threw it in, covering up the blood soaked ones. He placed everything back where it belonged, and looked in the mirror, holding the sink in a tight grip to compose himself, taking a few deep breaths.

He wished he could talk to people without having to think about the millions of possibilities of how the conversation would go hours before it even happens. He wished he didn't have to pretend to do anything, and just let his emotions explode like they want to but nobody ever said life was easy, sometimes Jay wished it was but it just isn't realistic. How Jay wished he didn't abide to that word so much that it's like his mantra. Unfortunately, Jay never gets what he wants.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Realistic
> 
> adjective
> 
> re·al·is·tic | \ ˌrē-ə-ˈli-stik \
> 
> Definition of realistic  
> 1 : of, relating to, or marked by literary or artistic realism : accurately representing what is natural or real
> 
> 2 : able to see things as they really are and to deal with them in a practical way, a sensible, realistic person/attitude
> 
> 3 : based on what is real rather than on what is wanted or hoped for : not impractical or visionary


	2. Honey and Knives

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Words can be like honey, but sometimes it can be like knives piercing through your heart. You never notice which one you speak until you feel the sting of the same blade you've thrown millions of times yourself hit you straight in your soul.
> 
> —Vincent Vinsu Erin 2019

Jay sat at the dinner table, a napkin on his lap and food already placed on the table, people's plates were filled to the amount of the edible substances that they could stomach, most of the men's palates were full to the point where it looked like some of it was going to fall off the plate. Jay seemed to be the only male to have favoured for a smaller portion which he would always be self conscious that the others would think he was anorexic or something when in reality they were never really observant enough to notice.

Smiles seemed to be on everyone's face, jokes were thrown into lighthearted conversation causing a few laughs to ring out every few minutes, Jay being the usual one saying the cheesy lines, sometimes Lloyd would jump in and try a few which wasn't uncommon. Honestly whenever the green ninja would give an attempt he would let out a sigh of relief, letting himself take a momentary breather from the internet stolen puns that seemed to fly out of his mouth at an alarmingly fast rate, all with a smile that didn't quite reach his azure eyes.

"You know what they say, build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of the day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be on fire for the rest of his life." The lightning ninja spat with an amusing tone so convincing that Jay had the right mind to excuse himself, go to the bathroom and wash his mouth out with soap and take a cup of bleach even if he knew it wouldn't compensate for all the disgusting words that's left his lips. Most of the table let out a chuckle or two and left it at that.

Kai wasn't amused at the joke but different to Jay himself, he wasn't afraid to say it. "That's a horrible joke dude, I bet I could come up with something better than that." The hothead challenged the blue ninja. Jay was taken aback from the comment but he kept the expression of shock that threatened to show buried underneath his smile, not even letting his eyebrows raise or his eyes widen even a millimeter.

"You're just jealous I'm so shockingly funny with these jokes." Walker retorted in defence to what felt like a personal attack to the one thing he could do right, repeat phrases from google like a broken record. "Your turn."

"I don't take orders, I barely even take suggestions." Kai replied sarcastically, his ego swallowing him up to the point of ignorance. The red ninja leaned back on his chair, jutting his fork into a slice of honey glazed steak and shoveling it into his mouth. "Now, would you like to be annihilated or are you going to give up now?"

He set off something in Jay that even he didn't know he possessed, the ginger clutched the napkin in his lap with a grip a bit too tight to be normal. He felt a pit of dread form in his stomach when he heard the murmurs of encouragement to turn this into an actual verbal game of ping pong and he started to worry about how the metaphorical ball would probably end up hitting his very vulnerable mental health straight on. Not like he could stop it now.

"Bring it on." He dared the fire ninja, not wanting to appear like a coward in front of the rest of the group, feeling a sense of sick familiarity at the dilemma he faced. He perfectly carved a brave expression on his face, his eyes narrowed enough to show he was determined but not so much that he seemed angry, his lip stretched into a fine line. It looked like it took years to be handcrafted but was contorted onto his skin in mere seconds, it didn't let show any of the sense of fear that started to swirl inside of his head.

"Okay, let me just take a second, you won't mind, right? Just got to fix a hair or two and I'm ready to spit fire." Kai retorted, pulling out a mirror out of nowhere and adjusting a few of his hairs to form perfect spikes on the top of his head. "There, perfect."

"What? You don't know how to look like anything but a porcupine?" Jay roasted, his thoughts going miles a second at the repercussions of his words. His grip on his silk napkin increased tenfold, his knuckles starting to turn lighter. His breathing started to deepen, trying to mentally control himself from fleeing the room.

"You were looking? Huh, didn't notice. Now, take a picture, it lasts longer." Kai snapped back, his glare now venomous, as if daring him to open his mouth and respond to his taunt. Now leaning back to let Jay's mouth form words that he would be able to deflect with ease.

Jay's mouth was dry, he licked his lips as his brain racked for something to say to his opponent before coming up completely empty. He gave an easy smile, as if he had been joking about the entire thing 'play it off' the blue ninja's subconscious told him. "Nah, I got nothing." He gave up in a funny manner, slinging his hands up to a surrendering position and gave the hothead the win.

Seeing them surround the red ninja with claps on the back and high fives made a light jealousy blossom in the lightning master's chest and the lightning of his metaphorical emotional storm struck him straight on. He felt a burning gaze on the side of his head, he turn to look at what was giving him the sensation only to lock eyes with the green ninja. Lloyd looked at him with a calculating stare, as if he was trying to figure out what was going in inside of his head. He wanted to see the cogs turning in his head, how he thought, how he ticks. Jay wasn't sure if he wanted the kid to understand or to fear the fact that he wanted to figure him out.

You see, Lloyd could be very rational and observant when he wanted to, the kid had done so in multiple occasions in their crazy life or death missions that they had been thrust into. Sometimes it makes Jay forget that he used to be a child, one that had his childhood pulled out from under him and forced into adulthood so early on. It wasn't fair for him to have to do what he's had to do, then again, when is life really fair?

_______

After the hurtful dinner he had to endure he retreated into his room as soon as he could, not wanting to attract attention to himself and just be alone. Sometimes he wished he could live the luxurious life of isolation, no contact with people he didn't want to, no judgement being passed on by watching eyes that pressured him into the worst personal decisions. If they could even be called decisions in the first place. He wondered how it would feel. Would it be more suffocating than the life he lives now? Would he be trapped alone in his thoughts? Or would his thoughts not be there in the first place, so caught up in madness.

'We are social creatures' Jay supposed. 'Or at least, we're supposed to be.' His eyes traveled around the roof of his room, laying on his bed, his movements would stop every few minutes when his thoughts would pull him in for another round of mental abuse. His gaze eventually landed on his wrists and he narrowed his eyes at the slightly visible scars, he imagines, no, feels shackles on them. Connected to a large steel ball that are enclosed around his forearms without any form of a lock, without a glimmer of hope of escaping cause if he could he would lock-pick the shit out of the chains. It doesn't work that way.

Believe it or not, this wasn't Jay's first tango with depression, he has danced with the devil more than once, he just hasn't been whisked away from the arms of life yet. Every time that he's close they switch partners, and eventually they lock arms in an unstoppable cycle of swinging hips. Genuinely, in the times in which he wasn't with his platonic lover of misery he sickeningly missed it, but when happiness was just about to come to him he would be swept away in the arms of the devil once again.

He couldn't say that he didn't enjoy it though.

Jay has always had a sense of self restraint when it came to the ballroom dance of life and death, clinging onto the arms of those who he knew wouldn't give a permanent effect. He remembers when curiosity led him astray from his usual dancers and that was when he decided to do something new. It came at a high cost. If the marks on his thighs and arms were anything to go by.

All he was waiting for was the break from the metaphorical dance floor but he knew it would never come, life has never stopped for one man and it would never do it as long as it existed. His permanent smile while he waltzed was something he wanted to take off, he felt like a clown with no makeup wipes, a prisoner inside his own head but he had to ignore that as long as wanted the dance of death to continue. Even if the fatigue of the mystical dangerous movements caught up to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dancing with the devil
> 
> /ˈdansiNG/ wiTH/T͟Hə/ /ˈdevəl/
> 
> to engage in risky, reckless, or potentially immoral behavior.


	3. Survivor's Guilt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After being dragged out for a casual outing everything goes wrong.

Jay didn't want to leave the comfort of his cozy room where he was away from the blinding light of the sun and the judgement of the rest of humanity. Where he could let a blade dance on his skin and make his arms look like red rain as blood pooled on the floor. Where beauty didn't matter, where being strong didn't matter, where Nya didn't matter.

This means when he was invited to a casual outing he wasn't really on board with going out in public even if everyone else jumped at the chance. Then again, they actually wanted to go outside while Jay just wanted to stay in bed and stare at the ceiling all day without moving a muscle. Nevertheless, if he wanted to keep his title as chatterbox then he kind of needed to talk, right?

"Hey guys, want to go on the roller coaster?" Nya asked, pointing directly at the large attraction. The neon blinking lights did nothing to soothe Jay's headache and the noises that it produced sent shivers down his spine. He remembered the time perfectly, he and Nya were trapped in it during another outing, where they were both chained to the cart and almost killed by the serpentine.

"Nah, I'm good." Jay deflects casually, leaning on the wall of the bathroom, a flash of putting on a scarf while he was covered in scales came to him and he cringed, pushing himself off of the surface. Everything reminded him too much of that incident where he failed everyone, especially the water ninja, Nya. Nya, he hated how she dominated his mind, how the thoughts of their failed relationship haunted him at every turn, how looking at the new couple he could feel so mocked. He felt disgusted that he was jealous, he shouldn't be, he should be happy for his ex. He's pitiful.

"Yeah! Let's do this." Kai agreed, running to the line immediately to get his turn while the others decided. His determined expression to get on that metal junk was so fierce that everyone probably knew he wasn't going to leave until he got on the cart and had a spin. "I've never been on a roller coaster." Zane shrugged, calmly walking over to join Kai who fist bumped the nindroid and started chatting with him. "Good idea babe." Cole, his ex-best friend commented, enlacing their hands together and going over to the other two with heart eyes.

"Not in the mood." Lloyd shared, standing next to Jay with a smirk. He crossed his arms and looked at the other with a curious expression. "You okay Jay? It's not like you to turn down a ride." He asked, eyebrows furrowing and green eyes filling with concern for the blue ninja. Damn it, he's observant.

"I'm good, rollercoasters just bring back." He hesitated if he should even share the information but if he left the green ninja on a cliffhanger now he would continue to pester him about the subject. Jay swallowed his pride and decides to just say it. "Unpleasant memories." He sighed, his sapphire orbs avoiding eye contact with Lloyd's emerald ones while he rubbed the back of his neck, feeling his own ginger hairs tangle with his fingertips. He cringed, trying to comb the small hairs without pulling too hard to no avail. He had forgotten to brush his hair in his dread to be under the watchful eyes of the sun.

"That's." Lloyd trailed off, thinking about what he could possibly say. "Unfortunate to hear." He finished, looking at the blue ninja with a sense of understanding, after all he couldn't stomach going to a museum unless it was absolutely necessary to go. After everything that's happened in those types of environments. "Yeah, it kind of is." Jay agreed with a small smile, locking eyes with the green ninja for a second before breaking eye contact.

"Well then, I'm going to get something to eat. I didn't grab breakfast this morning cause I slept in, wanna come with?" Garmadon offered, stretching his arms and hearing a satisfying pop come from his back making him outwardly cringe at the sound. Jay thought it over for a second, he felt slightly peckish and even if he didn't feel like he deserved food since he was such a useless shit he shrugged.

"Sure."

________________________

After a walk that consisted of small talk and a few jokes they had gotten their food and sat down Jay unconsciously took a second to observe their surroundings. People were laughing and kids were running around and screeching like animals. Even though he was in the most noisy and crowded part of town he couldn't help but feel alone, he turns to Lloyd who had already started to indulge in his four BBQ wing kebabs and was evidently putting in effort to not get his mouth stained.

Jay looks down at his own meal, a pair of fruit kebabs. He tried to make it as healthy as possible but in a small carnival healthy was practically impossible to achieve, at least he didn't grab funnel cakes or cotton candy like his old self would have. He grabbed the stick and pulled the strawberry at the top into his mouth, making sure to chew with his mouth closed out of respect. "So, how have you been Jay?"

The question was innocent enough but it send Jay reeling, how was he? -drowningsuffocating. How could he give an answer? After a sec without skipping a beat he decided to go casual. "I'm fine, how about you?" He bounces the question back, covering his currently full mouth. His mama didn't raise no slob.

"I'm good. I'm good." Lloyd replied, diligently wiping his mouth with a napkin. "So, got any new inventions that you've been working on?" Jay contemplated for a minute, racking his brain for any new projects that he had decided to start. He remembers when he used to spend all the time in his very small, humble workshop where he would make up new things by the second. Ah, the old times when visiting his parents, settling into the Bounty and the overlord was his biggest problem, not socialising.

"Not really, I've just sort of been busy with other stuff." The blue ninja shrugged, taking another bite from one of his fruit kebabs, letting the sweetly sour taste of a grape explode on his tastebuds as he awaited an answer from the blonde who seemed to be calmly observing his teammate. His green eyes seemed to dig deep past his front to look beyond his shattering mask to find the broken man beneath.

"Like what? Video games?" Lloyd pried, before backpedaling slightly. "Sorry, you don't need to talk about it, if you're comfortable with sharing what you do, then you can. I don't mean to be nosy. It's just, I need to ask. Is there something wrong Jay?" The remnants of both person's food were long forgotten, they seemed to be dancing around the elephant of the room or at least one of them was avoiding the million dollar answer. Jay raised an eyebrow, amused at how the conversation was turning out to be more deep than he originally thought it was.

Jay always knew Lloyd was great with words, or at least he knew how to use them well. He knew how to bend a conversation to his favour without seeming too heavy handed in his choice of questions. He knew how to seem open and comfortable while not too pushy but if he wasn't clear minded to do that then somethings up. "I've just been under the weather recently, I'll be fine. The real question is if you're okay. You seem to be more stressed lately."

Lloyd chuckles and leans back, crossing his arms. "Yeah, just the team seems to be strained and its been a struggle to get people to step up and do their responsibilities I guess." The blonde sighs and runs a hand through his hair. Jay hums in thought. "Well, I mean, if you ever need help with that type of thing I'm always available, after Morro everything's been calm and we haven't really had anything to do besides small jobs. I don't just want to sit on my ass all day, y'know?"

"Yeah, I kinda feel the same way. It's just restless, we've devoted practically our entire lives to saving people but now that there's no danger you feel..." Lloyd trails off, seeming to not know what word would fit the feeling. "Lost?" He fills in, raising an eyebrow. The blonde nods silently, looking at the table with a far off look in his emerald eyes.

Jay reaches over the table and places a hand on Lloyd's shoulder. "You good?" He asks, blue eyes meet green, the green ninja nods, seeming as if he's looking through the lightning ninja. Jay mentally sighs, another lost soul like him. He leans back and stands up, snapping Lloyd out of his daydream. "Where are you going?" The blonde questions, watching Jay pick up the food that was left untouched.

"Gonna throw this away and head back towards the others, want to come with?" The lightning master offers. Lloyd immediately stands up, not wanting to be left alone in such a crowded environment. He snatches the small cardboard box of cold wings and starts following Jay to the trash can which was on the other side of the lunch area. The blue themed ninja stops, patiently waiting for the other to catch up before continuing their venture in a comfortable silence.

Suddenly they hear a rumble echo through the busy carnival, Jay glances back only to see a huge crack in the pavement where they were previously sitting. The place turns dead quiet for a second, a brave, curious woman steps forward cautiously towards the split in the ground. Jay rushes towards the brunette, dropping the cheap healthy fruit snack and pushing Lloyd behind him. "Ma'am, step back. This could be dangerous." He warns, extending an arm towards the lady who paled drastically when she looked down the massive uneven hole.

"Ma'am, move." He stressed, the woman locked eyes with him, brown against sapphire. She opened her mouth to speak only to be interrupted by a beep before an explosion rung his ears, Jay's vision was clouded with a dust that erupted from the crack. The hole swallowed the bench that they had sat in mere minutes before and he could see the woman fall in with what limited vision he had. His instincts pushed him forward, lunging forward and falling on his chest, locking hands with the -now scared- brunette.

He could hear screaming above him as people rushed to find their loved ones, he felt Lloyd's presence come from behind him, the green ninja grabbed his ankles and pulled him back, attempting to drag the woman to safety. Unfortunately the lady's dress caught on the side of the hole, she seemed to realise this and wretched one of her arms from Jay's grip to desperately unlatch the fabric from the dirt. "Lady, stay calm, I can't hold you if you writhe around." She nodded.

Both of Jay's hands steadily gripped her one hand as she reverently clawed at her dress, giving up and just trying to rip it off to escape with her life. "Okay, so, what's your name?" Jay asked calmly, as if he wasn't holding her within an inch of both of their lives. He felt the edge of the hole dig into his waist but he ignored it as he forced himself to be calm for the desperate individual. "Samantha Grayson." Sam replied in a teary voice, a sob ripping from her throat as she silently cried, weakly trying to scratch at her once lovely yellow dress.

"Okay Samantha, I want you to try to be calm right now. My friend is getting the others to help you out of here, okay?" Jay informs in a steady voice, she nods again. "Are there any grooves in the wall that you can latch onto?" Grayson shakes her head, her eyes clamping shut as tears leak from her eyes.

"That's okay, that's okay, that's fine." He insists, praying to the First Spinjitsu master that they were close to them, his hands weren't going to last much longer and as much as he hates to admit it, his grip was significantly slipping on Samantha's feeble, smooth hands. 'I wish I lifted more weights, Cole could grab onto her for hours, no problem.' He thinks to himself.

"Am I going to die?" She asks abruptly, her eyes flying open and staring deep into his, filled with a sad acceptance of her demise. He feels determination. "No, you're not going to die." He assures firmly. He grunts, adjusting his grip from her delicate hands to her forearms, getting a better hold on her. His upper body screamed at the strain of holding her but he wouldn't let himself fail, especially when someone was looking so desperately at him, she looked resigned.

He heard the shouts of his teammates, recognising their voices instantly. "They're here." He says, tone coated with relief, Samantha visibly brightened, holding onto him harder, even to the point of digging her beautifully manicured nails into his lightly tanned skin.

He felt his heart drop when he looked behind her, seeing the bottom of the deep pit brighten with a red lighting, it wasn't strong enough to reach up and alert the civilian but the words made a feeling of dread pool in his chest. '0:1' it read before beeping. The sound identical to the first time. They wouldn't make it.

Millions of apologies ran through his head, Samantha's eyes dilated in horror as she realised what was about to happen. He felt the pant of his gi be tugged on as he was ripped away from the crack, leaving Sam behind to her fate. Her scream was cut off by an even larger explosion, it singed Jay's clothes, the ginger barely reacted. He was lightheaded from inhaling so much dust, and the screams of Samantha Grayson echoing through his head as she met her demise replayed. It felt like hours and seconds at the same time.

"-ay. Jay." He heard someone call out, his bleary, unfocused eyes met Zane's ice blue ones. "We need to leave, you've received a concussion and a cut at your waist, we need to check if you didn't break or fracture anything." Zane explained, both of his hands suddenly appearing on Jay's shoulders. His vision was blurry and could barely focus on anything but the yellow dress that she wore, it and been pristine up until she had been in his arms, clinging for life or death.

"Did she make it?" He heard Kai cry out to Cole whom dug through the debris to search for the civilian. The silence that followed crushed his heart to bitter pieces, it was heavy with loss and sorrow. A mutual understanding passed through their team, she was gone.

Jay dug his dirty, sweaty palms into his eyes -the ones that had held onto Samantha with promise for rescue only to be buried underneath stone all the same- and he sobbed. Everything else was nonexistent to him in that moment, all he could focus on was her hopeful face as they came closer to rescuing her and then her screams of anguish and pain before she was silenced forever. Samantha Grayson didn't walk the same Earth as them anymore.

And that made Jay's already broken soul shatter into dust.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Survivor's guilt  
> sur·vi·vor's guilt
> 
> noun  
> a condition of persistent mental and emotional stress experienced by someone who has survived an incident in which others died.


	4. Aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The team dealing with what happened, Jay is not in a good place

It was the morning after the bombing, nobody could sleep that night. Jay slipped into his seat at breakfast, everyone was already there but it wasn't booming with laughter and full of lighthearted conversation like it usually was. Today, it was dead quiet, the mood somber and heavy as they rethought of what had happened the day before. Before Jay knew it a steaming cup of coffee was placed in front of him as he stared at the wood of the table with a far away look.

"Just a little pick me up." Nya clarified with a gentle voice, almost as if she was afraid of breaking the already glass thin aura of the room. She made her way to her usual spot at the table and sat down, nursing her own cup of joe in her small, nimble hands -just like Samantha's. Jay shook his head, trying to ward away the memories that were just too fresh in his mind, he pulled the mug towards him, cupping it in his hands and taking a sip of the warm beverage.

Nobody spoke, everyone had their own preferred drink in hand, most of them being the same as Jay's, except for the occasional tea which was usually the preference of the Garmadon family and the nindroid. There were no forks or spoons scraping against the ceramic of a bowl or plate since nobody had put in the effort to make breakfast, besides even if somebody did, nobody had an appetite after yesterday's events.

An hour passed of them silently mourning the innocent civilian -or Samantha, in Jay's case. The cups were all dumped into the sink, everybody choosing to ignore their responsibility of washing them in favour of going to the main deck where they would debrief.

"First we need to look for the-the victim's name in the database." Nya clarified with a stutter. "Samantha Grayson." Jay stated bluntly, his head held low, his hair -which was left unkept and messy due to not having the motivation of styling it- covering his eyes from his teammates. "Excuse me?" Nya asked again, not knowing what he meant.

"Her name was Samantha Grayson." He informed, looking up to avoid eye contact. He had done his research since he didn't want to mope around a lot last night even thought he did end up doing it anyway. He had checked her BookFace account -which was surprisingly public. "19, bordering on 20, she has never-had never had her first kiss, her mother was Rachel Scarlet Rodriguez and her father was Steven Drake Grayson, respectfully divorced. She had been born in Spain but raised in Britain and had decided to move to Ninjago for college when she was 15 since she skipped multiple grades because of her intellect. She was interning at Borg Industries and was even considering working full time there to specialise in network security. She had also been on the way to marriage with Daniela Lakewood, her fiancé."

The others looked at him in surprise while Kai and Lloyd looked at him with pitying gazes, they knew he was drowning in guilt right now for not being able to save her. Jay ignored their glances and stalked over to the large screen, typing in the victim's name without thinking it over twice. A few tabs popped up, BookFace -the one he had already analysed, GramInsta which he only glossed over and her college application along with her resume. He sighs, she had such a good life going for her, so much potential and she died because he couldn't save her.

'It's all your fault' His mind taunted, he ignored the remark along with the stab of guilt that ripped through his chest that accompanied it. He couldn't look at the screen any longer, he turns around and faces his team who look like they're trying to compose themselves. Jay licked his lips and kept his tears at bay. "Her parents still live in Britain but her fiance, Daniela Lakewood lived together with her in a small apartment on Sacramento Lane in the city."

"Do they know?" Kai asks, his eyebrows furrowing in thought. The idea of having to worry about your best friend because you haven't seen her in twenty four hours is scarring to him. He didn't want to even know what Lakewood was going through.

"Not that I know of, I dug up the police reports of the incident, they're still going through the debris but they haven't found her body nor do they know she was caught in the explosion. Only we do." The lightning master informs, leaning his palms on the console, tipping his head back and shutting his eyes. "That being said, I want to tell Daniela personally about Samantha's passing."

"I'm not trying to offend you Jay or go against your decision but the chance that they blame you for their partner's passing is about 50%. This could be a bad idea." Zane lightly protests on the idea, sipping on a second mug of tea that he had prepared for himself before the debriefing.

"I know." Jay simply replies. "Then why do it?" Nya asks, the noobie of the entire situation. "Because he feels like he has to." Lloyd clarifies, crossing his arms and laying them on the wooden table. Jay said nothing more, turning to leave the room. He makes it to the door, stopping at the sound of the green ninja calling out to him.

"You know, you don't have to do this alone. I'll come with you." The blonde comforts, he glances over his shoulder. "I'll go too." Kai offers. "I'd rather go for assistance as well." Zane insists. "I'm going with you too." Cole adds. Sensei Wu and Misako shared a glance and silently came to a conclusion. Jay smiles lightly.

"I'd like that."

______________________________

They stood in front of the apartment with anxious frowns, shifting their weight between their legs in anticipation. The way there wasn't hard in any way -they had a flying ship and elemental dragons for pete's sake- but it had been emotionally exhausting, they had opted to go for a few motorcycles that Nya had made a few months prior. Jay had been uncharacteristically quiet through the entire ride which left a heavy atmosphere drifting amongst the team.

"So, who's going to knock?" Kai asked, being huddled together at the steps of the building wasn't his ideal way to pass the time -though he would do anything for his brothers, even if all this sappy stuff wasn't his preferred way of bonding. Jay doesn't answer, he presses the buzzer next to the door.

A voice was heard yelling. "Coming!" They braced themselves for the sad exchange they were about to initiate. The door opened and it revealed a tanned man with short black and red hair and green eyes who wore a loose shirt and sweatpants. "Hi, how may I help you?" He asks, leaning on the doorframe with an an eyebrow raised.

"Sorry to bother you but we're looking for a Daniela Lakewood, is she here?" Lloyd piped up from beside Jay who silently looked at the wall. "Oh, sorry. I'm technically Daniela Lakewood but I go by he/him pronouns. I've been meaning to legally change my name to Dmitri. So, what brings the infamous ninja to good ol' Sacramento Lane?" He asks with a chipper grin.

"We bring news regarding Samantha Grayson." Zane spoke up from behind Jay, tucking his hands behind his back as a sign of respect. Dmitri's eyes widen at the statement. "Is she okay? Where is she? Where do I need to go, I haven't seen her in two days. I just thought she had to work overtime and that she was staying at Borg Industries for the night."

Jay locks eyes with Lakewood, his eyes bloodshot. "I think you want to sit down before we tell you."

"Okay, just give me a minute to clean up."

_____________________

Dmitri led them in after about two minutes of what the ninja assumed was throwing piles of rubbish into other rooms for him to clean later and making the living room presentable. The team's hearts beat loudly in their chest while they waited. They stayed uncharacteristically quiet as Dmitri escorted them all in, each one thanking the man for his hospitality as they came in.

"Make yourselves comfortable." Lakewood insisted, Jay observed the room with a keen eye. The rug was a pale grey and the walls were painted a bright white all except for one which was coated with a rainbow pattern. The black couch sat at the corner of the room in an L shape with two matching seats scattered around the room, all of them facing the large flat screen TV that was mounted on the wall with an unlit fireplace underneath it.

Jay settled into the middle of the couch, Kai sat to his left with Cole standing next to him, leaning against the couch with his arms crossed while Lloyd seated himself to his right, where the furniture bends and he gets a side view perspective of his face. Zane decides to make his way beside Lloyd, a little further away, mostly covered by the green ninja's figure.

Dmitri pulls a chair in front of the group, the sound of the wood scraping against the floor sending shivers down the lightning ninja's spine. Jay's anxiety doubles when he meets eyes with Samantha's fiace, green against blue. He forces himself to seem calm while swallowing heavily, his palms get clammy and he starts to lightly sweat. "Do you guys want anything?" Dmitri offers like a good host would.

"No thank you." Jay declines politely with a sad smile, interlacing his fingers nervously while the others murmur their declines as well. "It's time to stop dancing around the subject." His teammates look at him with worry and their eyes convey worry and uncertainty. Was he about to expose himself this much to a civilian?

Yes, yes he was.

"I was at the amusement park with the team you see before you, we split up in two groups one of them held the main group while the other one consisted of both myself and the green ninja." He pauses, Lloyd waves with a sad smile. "We went to another densely populated part of the park to enjoy ourselves, the food court. While we were leaving there was an earthquake, creating a large crack on the ground."

Jay took a shuddering breath and Lloyd decided to pick up where he left off. "The blue ninja here had talked to your partner, Samantha Grayson, telling her to back away from the area and to leave. She froze and an explosion rocked the premises, the blue ninja here had come forward and grabbed onto her to keep her from falling into the massive hole. I tried myself to pull them out but I didn't have enough strength."

The redhead cut in again. "Her dress had caught onto the sides and it was stuck really bad. My friend here left to try and get the black ninja." Cole nodded to Dmitri with a hard eyes. "I had tried to calm your friend down in the meantime but she had already resigned herself to her death. I could hear them coming back and I alerted her but it was too late."

"Another device we were not aware of had started to activate and my team pulled me up, thinking we were both still hand in hand, I had tried to hold onto her but our grips faltered and she slipped." He swallows heavily, regret coating his next words. "I am regretful to inform you, Dmitri Lakewood that, Samantha Grayson didn't survive."

A heavy silence fell through the home and a shattered expression fell before their eyes. A heavy blanket of grief and regret coated all of their expressions like a large blanket. The once lively man didn't hold any happiness as he did a few seconds ago. "I'm sorry." He finished, locking eyes with the victim's fiance who didn't hold even a candle of anger.

He broke the eye contact in favour of looking down at the ground with tears in his eyes, letting his hair fall over his expression, hiding his face in shame. "What-what were her last words?" Dmitri choked out, Jay shook at the question and covered his face with his rough palms, sore from all the weight lifting he did last night due to the guilt.

"She." He paused, trying hard not to remember her scared expression, contorted in horror at her fate. "She asked if she was going to die." He admitted silently, above a whisper. The weight of the room befell on him and it was crushing, on his shoulders, on his soul.

"Well, she always is-was too curious for her own good. I guess that was her downfall." Dmitri tried to joke with a watery chuckle but nobody laughed, Jay looked up and searched the man's face before mirroring his expression.

"I guess." He whispered, wanting to keep his voice quiet. "I can't help but wonder, why did you guys decide to handle this one personally?" Dmitri questioned, wiping the tears that were already beginning to fall.

"Because we felt like we had to." Lloyd said solemnly, he stood up. "We'll leave you to yourself Mr. Lakewood, we're sorry for your loss."

_______________________________

After they had come back none of them wanted to speak about what happened, what happened at the Lakewood-Grayson household stayed at the Lakewood-Grayson household. Jay didn't feel great about the events occurred but to be fair, nobody did. They had been slacking off at training before the incident but now they were training harder than they ever had.

While that was admirable in its own sense, Sensei Wu feared that it was reaching unhealthy levels of exercise. He knew about them overexerting themselves to the point of exhaustion, it now was worryingly common to see Cole carrying a passed out ninja still in their own sweaty gi through the halls and the earth-ninja had his own fair share of falling asleep on his feet and having most of the team to also help him to his room.

The only one who didn't fall into this habit was Nya but she also had her own fair share of this occurring when her training had first started so it wasn't uncommon for her either. All of the ninjas had gained a big amount of muscle mass even though at their own builds. Cole already had the impressive pecs but now it was even bigger than ever before. Kai had gone after Cole's build and went for a more weightlifter appearance while the last three had chased a lean physique.

The most common to topple down on the training ground was Jay himself, you either saw the man working on his inventions fervently in his makeshift laboratory, in the training room, pushing himself well past his limits and further beyond or in the arms of another almost equally exhausted teammate on the way to his bedroom.

Sensei Wu feared he can't stop his pupils, even if he tried.

________________________________

Jay kicked and punched at the training figure, the mechanism shivered at the relentless attack in which the blue ninja ignored until he placed a well thought out punch at its head and ripped it clean off. He sighed, 'another one gone'. He stepped back from the scene and glanced at his surroundings, his eyes widening. Around thirty wooden heads surrounded his well built form all which had been sliced off their respective mannequin in a different form.

A few were completely charred from the crown of the head down to the chin, others were crumpled into pieces, almost unrecognizable and the last category were clean and precise, aimed to decapitate. "You should take a break." Someone called out from behind him, he takes a look over his shoulder to see Cole at the door of the living room. "Nah, I'm good."

"Zane's made banquet fit for kings." The man tried to coax, coming closer towards his friend. "I'm not really hungry." He deflected, scooping up a bunch of the wooden heads and making his way over to where they usually dumped the broken training supplies, the black ninja followed hot on his heels. 

"Come on Jay, please. We're about you. I'm worried about you." Cole begged, watching him throw away the wooden heads and turn around to keep cleaning. Before he could get any further he stepped in his way with his arms crossed. "I know what happened to Samantha has affected you but as your friend I have to tell you that you can't keep doing this."

"Whatcha gonna do Cole? Stop me?" Jay taunted weakly, skirting past and making his way to the pile again and plucking up as many as he could. "I know I can't stop you Jay, you're too stubborn but please listen." The blue ninja paused, turning his gaze to the earth ninja. "You can't change what happened and I know you're trying to improve so it doesn't happen again, while that is admirable and productive you need to rest." He advises, placing his hands on Jay's shoulders which out of instinct caused him to drop the wooden heads.

"Your body is going to shut down on itself, hell, it already has. I can't sit by and let it happen so please, lets clean this up tomorrow and go eat with us and let yourself enjoy it." Jay glanced down at the floor and he seemed to contemplate the offer before sharply looking up with a glare. "I don't deserve it and you know it." He snaps at him.

"Jay you deserve a break and more, don't let this beat down your self worth." Cole begs, he hated seeing Jay like this, so cold hearted to himself. It never failed to break his heart. He knew that the blue ninja had always struggled with self worth, hell, it had been bad when they had first met but he thought he improved. Instead of replying to his plea Jay wretches himself from the black ninja's grasp and turned on his heel, marching back towards the inside of the Bounty's hold without another word.

"You won't be able to keep this up forever!" Cole called out from behind and he swears he almost hears Jay reply but any evidence of the sound is swept away by the wind of the open air making his little stone heart ache a bit more.

________________________________________

It had been a long couple of weeks and Jay had almost forgotten how it felt to lay down on his soft bed, he lay limp on the mattress as the song of laughter echoed through the creaking halls of the Bounty. His chest hurt with the feeling of loneliness that crept up on his small figure, maybe he should join the others like Cole asked him to. With much effort he was able to painfully sit up, his sore body almost shutting down right then and there.

He falls onto his feet, his knees barely just holding back from giving out. He tread towards the door, trying to take a deep breath to muster the strength to leave his chambers and put up a facade he didn't have the energy to perform. When he was about to go on his way he heard Nya's laugh ring through the boat making his heart constrict in a way he had forgotten it could do.

Nya, it was always her who he couldn't stand anymore. Although he had considered Cole a best friend back then he couldn't just ignore what he did. While he knew the blame didn't fall on him -he hated that he blamed Pixal but in one way it was kind of her input that made Nya pull back after years of work - but he couldn't help but feel at least a small amount of resentment towards the earth ninja.

Jay sighed, his feelings are going to be the death of him. He knew how he could shut up his thoughts and numb his emotions, he glances at the bedside drawer with a sharp and calculating eye before shutting them and shrugging. 'Cutting wouldn't hurt.' He thinks, mentally debating wether or not to use his trusty dagger or brand new razor blade. As a matter of fact he hadn't sharpened his knife in a while and it was taking too much effort to slice his own wrist.

Don't confuse that for self preservation, he knew a dull blade would hurt more and leave with a high for longer but Jay wasn't stupid, he wasn't going to threaten his one chance at a suicide attempt on it. There was too much risk. "I'll use the razor for now, don't want to cause an unwanted commotion." He commented to himself, treading over to his draw and pulling it open, analysing the contents with a keen eye.

Jay plucked out the sharp shaving utensil quickly, practically throwing the draw shut and dropping to his knees, he sticks his hand under his bed and starts to rummage around for the dented metal box he had thrown under there. 'I should find a better hiding place for this.' He notes, keeping that in mind for a future session. He finally comes into contact with the freezing container, pulling it to his chest and hunching over it like an animal.

He swiftly undoes the laches, snatching the leather notebook and throwing the container onto his bed where he knew it would be safe from any more damage. He opens the familiar textbook and gently grabs a fountain pen that was laid on his bedside table and starts to scribble down words in a messy handwriting.

To which whom it may concern, which is nobody to be fair today had been okay. I had decided to input all of my energy into reverently training as I have been for the past couple of weeks. Cole decided to confront me about it and I practically ignored the subject altogether.

It's been hard, the guilt of what happened has been crushing me swiftly and painfully. I spoke to Dmitri and he expressed that he held no anger to what happened and that he knew I did all I could. I, however did not understand how he could be so forgiving of the person who basically murdered his fiancé.

Samantha Grayson deserve to be the one walking around and going on with her life, even though she would have needed serious therapy after the events that would have occurred. Samantha deserved life, not me. Some useless, worthless no good ninja who all he's good for is comic relief. She would have changed the future. I, on the other hand will not.

I don't deserve to be in her place amongst the living and breathing, she should have taken her place and society. But she didn't, because of me.

I'm sorry Samantha

He gently closed the book and picked up the box again, placing the journal into the depths of the container and closing it slowly. He exhales and slides the box, letting it sail across the wooden floor and bump into the wall of the ship. He sighs and turns his attention to mutilating his arms as punishment. He carefully held the razor between his fingers and began to slice at his skin.

He felt the pressure on his arm only to then pop as blood beaded around the thin blade, he haphazardly carved out the word burden on his forearm, it would be hard to miss. It didn't resemble his handwriting and was kind of blocky in comparison to his usual cursive but it would do. Beads of blood started to trickle down his fingers.

'Samantha deserved to be alive.'

'You're fucking useless'

'Kill yourself already'

'Fag'

'Bitch'

'Idiot'

'Stupid'

Jay shakes his head, trying to clear his everlasting thoughts as he mindlessly stares at the blood dripping down onto the hardwood floor. The boat creaked as it swayed under the strong winds of the night, the gentle rhythm slowly brought him back to reality. His crestfallen gaze lands onto the floor, not wanting to move and just let himself collapse and rot under the weight of the world.

Jay sighed, feeling the pressure in his chest release for a second only to come scrambling back, infecting his heart once more. With great effort he made his way towards the bathroom, not bothering to have to gather his supplies to properly clean himself he collected some toilet paper and came back to the small puddle of red, he rips it, keeping a third of it for his self inflicted wounds. Dropping the paper to the floor he crouches down, numbly scrubbing at the thick substance, pulling back he saw that he had cleaned most of the mess, only leaving a small few glittering drops of red that were stuck between the creases of the wood,

Figuring he could ignore it for now he goes back to the bathroom and throws the dirty tissue in the bin, running his forearm under ice cold water, holding back a flinch from the sting. He pulls back and turns the sink off, turning to his towel he cleans around the wounds, careful not to stain the white fluff. Mustering his last few minutes of strength he treads over to his bed, collapsing onto the sheets.

Jay traps the paper between his gi and his cuts, the fibres would probably get stuck in his arms but he didn't really care. The ninja pulls the blankets up to his chest, hugging himself as an awful mimic of comfort. His greying eyes stared at the wood of the walls which had been lightly coated with a thin layer of blue, acting more as a stain than solid paint.

He didn't like to be alone with his thoughts. He had liked company when he was a child, asking his mother to stay with him until he was able to drift off into the arms of sleep or crawling into both of his parents' bed and nudging himself between them as they rested. Now, however it was different.

He does still like company but no matter how many people surround him he always feels lonely, whenever it was date night he and Lloyd are the only two who don't have a partner. Jay can't help but wonder if he ever feels this way as well.

He spent hours in his head, thinking over the things that plagued his mind, from bad to terrible to worse. The stream of heartless questions and statements were exhausting to deal with. He just wanted to sleep. He turned over to look out the window to look at the night sky, the full moon was bright yet dark all of the same. Rain had started to patter against the glass, the tapping was soothing to the soul, the sky was sharing his sorrow.

It was melancholy.

Jay started to hear light thuds that resembled light footsteps, peering to the crack under the door the light that streamed through was blocked by a figure. He flipped around and relaxed his body to the best of his ability, evening out his breathing to feign sleep. He heard the door groan as it was opened and he curled into himself.

He heard the figure come closer and sigh in relief. "Come on Jay." He heard Nya whisper, the water ninja came closer, pulling the blankets he had kicked to the foot of the bed up to his shoulders, tucking him in. Jay felt the bed dip and the edge, nimble fingers -like Samantha's- were placed in his ginger hair, playing with it gently. After a bit she flattened the hair to reveal his forehead and gingerly pecked his forehead.

Unmistakably, she pulled away and headed for the door, Jay shifted to be able to see her leave. Nya pulled the door open and glanced back. "G'night Jay." She whispered into the silent room before stepping out and closing the door behind her.

Jay turned again to the window and looked out to see the stars once more, mistakenly catching his own reflection in the process. He examined the freckles that dotted his face, the eye bags and greasy ginger hair. He glanced at the door where all of his friends lie after. A small tear left his right eye, the droplet glistened under the beautiful moonlight.

It was melancholy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Concealed  
> /kənˈsēld/
> 
> adjective  
> kept secret; hidden.
> 
> Melancholy  
> /ˈmelənˌkälē/
> 
> adjective  
> having a feeling of melancholy; sad and pensive


	5. New Bonds, Recognizable Faces

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jay encounters someone he honestly just wanted to forget.

Zane had been observing the rest of his teammates, the guilt which he shared with them was hard to deal with, especially Jay. Jay, the man had proved to be a total enigma to his servers, very chipper and happy when in other people's presence but when he thought nobody was looking his eyes would show a glint of pain and utter helplessness. It was concerning.

Following his instinct - or programming, at this point he learned to not question it - he had started to investigate and analyze his behavior. Though, any time he was even close to shedding light onto even a bit of the mystery Jay would dance around the issue or cover the crack with both glitter and tape.

It was utterly frustrating but he learned to not push the mechanic if things got too raw. He had discussed this with Kai, not understanding if it was just him over-analyzing and the fire user had reassured him that was how Jay had always been. Strangely, that never reassured him.

There was something going on and he was going to find out.

________________________________

The thumping lights of the club aggravated Jay's head and the loud music made his head throb, he massaged the back of his neck in pain before just sucking it up. They flashed their ID at the bodyguards who let them pass without any issues.

Lloyd walked at the front, joking around with Cole, Nya and Zane while he trailed behind with a light grin, Kai was right next to him, looking alert. Jay jabs an elbow into his shoulder. "Hey, what's got your panties in a twist?" He teased, unconsciously getting equally as conscious in the large, crowded building.

"Nothing much, just looking for the cute ladies." He shrugged, nonchalant. The fire ninja also spread a fake smile on his face in which they both recognized. Jay drops his and Kai follows suit with a sigh and a frown, his eyes now showed how torn he was.

"What's going on man?" Jay asked, finally getting to the casual area which was relatively quieter. They both noticeably relaxed their postures, the others split off into pairs to mingle and they made their way to the bar in the corner of the room.

"Skylar and I have been in a bit of a tough patch in our relationship and I have no idea how to fix it." Kai explains with a crestfallen expression while sitting down on a stool, his shoulders slumping down as he massaged the bridge of his nose. Jay slid into his own chair and put up a finger and leaned over to the bartender who seemed to just be wiping down a shot-glass.

"Hey, can I get two fireballs please?" He requests, they hurried to pour both men the drinks. "Thanks." He says and gives him a couple of bucks, he slides one of the fireballs over to the fire ninja who grabs it and glances up, giving him a nod in appreciation.

Jay picks up his own drink and holds it up. "To dating." He cheered, Kai let out a small smile and they touch glasses before taking a large sip. "So, what's she pissed about?" Kai seemed surprised at the assumption before sadly smiling, right on the nose.

"She's angry I haven't been spending a lot of time with her recently with all the training and working on my bike after what happened. We had an argument a few days ago." After the explanation he sipped the fireball between his rough fingertips again.

"I can't really give you much advice besides the fact that you gotta let her be angry. An angry woman is the equivalent to being surrounded by hungry sharks and you would be better off with the sharks. You can do what you feel is needed, after all I don't know Skylar as well as you do." Jay advised, taking a sip of his own drink after his statement, shrugging his shoulders.

"I mean, I guess I'll let her blow off steam for a few more days before going back to talk about it. I mean, she does realize she could go over to the Bounty when we're here, right?" Kai questioned, his expression showing frustrated disbelief. "True."

"Though let's change the subject, its too depressing." The fire ninja chuckled, raising his head and looking at the bottles lining the wall. "Before we do, just wanted to say. You can trust me man, I'll try to help as much as I can. I'll be your wing-man." Jay reassured, slinging an arm on Kai's broad shoulders.

"Appreciate it, motormouth." He snorted. "Hey." He cried out indignantly with a smile, taking the joke. He lightly shoved his friend in the shoulder who started to laugh at the light push. They talked for a while, joking and drinking lightly - though neither desired to get drunk so they were careful of how much they drank - Jay was glad he talked to Kai and felt his heart slightly mend from Cole's absence.

________________________________

Kai liked talking with Jay, they both respected each other's raw subjects and joked around a lot. He regretted that he had pushed the blue ninja away so much in the earlier stages of their friendship but now he wants to make up for it.

"So, this one time when I was with my dad, we had gone out into the desert, it was hot as hell and I would barely see with how soggy my hair was. I was fifteen at this point and moody. We were looking for this one place my dad had found a few days earlier that apparently had a ton of mechanical parts I would love. Did I mention we had brought a tow truck? No? Well we did and-" Kai relaxed at the chatter that his friend provided, it was very much entertaining until he looked behind Jay and glanced behind him.

Jay had his back to most of the room except him and the corner, catching eyes of somebody with green eyes with matching hazel brown and green hair. The guy wore a red scarf and white tank, he couldn't see below his torso due to Jay's position but he seemed to be glaring at them both with the rage of a thousand suns. He suddenly refocuses on Jay who now held a concerned expression.

"Hey, you okay?" He asked, concerned and Kai blinks, processing the question. "Yeah, sorry. I spaced out." He apologized, Jay suddenly grins. "It's alright, it happens to me sometimes too." Kai scratches the back of his neck with a small grimace, looking slightly sheepish. "Still, sorry."

"Eh, it's fine, want a drink?" He offered and he nodded, sliding him five bucks, he looked at him with a confused stare.

"Let me pay for this round."

"Sure."

Jay then moved his torso, leaning onto the bar to call out to the bartender and speak with him. Kai took his chance and tried to look back at where the dude was earlier only to find that he was now moving towards them both, revealing that he was glaring at Jay's back.

He got on the defensive, catching Jay's attention. The blue ninja saw that he was looking at somebody, Jay followed his protective gaze only to find this dude that was standing only two feet away and glaring at him. Kai stuck a hand on the bar, catching the empty shot-glass between his fingers, ready to throw it if the stranger got aggressive.

The brunette slid into the stool on the other side of Jay, placing him between them both. 'Coward.' He seethed inwardly, Jay spun around but kept his torso facing the bar so that Kai could clearly see the guy.

The lightning ninja's face held confusion as he analyzed his appearance, seemingly racking his brain as to why he seemingly hated him so much. "Hey Walker, it seems you finally made a friend after all this time." The stranger spoke in his raspy voice, holding a glass of whiskey in his hand. "I must admit, I'm surprised."

The voice seemed to ring familiarity to Jay and his face now showed slight alarm and his skin turned pale. Kai felt protectiveness wash over him for his brother and he placed his hand on his shoulder, reassuring him that he had backup.

"What would you know Thornton? You didn't have any friends, or at least, any that actually stuck around." He bit back, Kai felt relieved he was he with him and not at the other side of the place, he looked around while listening to see if anyone would speak between the two men. He caught a glimpse of Lloyd who was with Zane, they looked relatively sober while looking at his sister and Cole he noticed Nya was slightly tipsy, moving side by side.

If this guy did anything then he knew Lloyd, Cole and Zane would back him up. He turned his attention to the two men in front of him, Thornton, whoever he was looked one straw away from lunging at Jay who seemed to be mortified but putting up a brave front.

"I'm betting that as soon as you're useless to them they'll throw you out on the street like an unwanted dog. Even if they did care, they wouldn't be able to save you from me, after all, you brought me down, but you're coming with me." The guy hissed. "And I don't see why they already tolerate you motormouth." Thornton dramatically stood up from his seat and started to walk away, his shoulders tense and ready to spring to attack.

"At least he isn't like you, asshole." Kai called out, not being able to hold back the remark. The douche-bag stopped but made no move to move back towards them. "You'll regret even meeting that boy in the future Kai Smith." Then took off again without looking back. He wasn't fazed at the threat and instead looked back at Jay who was now shaking.

Kai swears he would tear that dude apart if he ever saw him near Jay again.

_____________________________

It had taken a while to coax Jay out of the stool and into the bathroom after that entire ordeal, he had to speak to the bartender - who had seen what happened - and tell him that if he saw that douche-bag to tell him that he would give the guy a knuckle sandwich if he messed with them again. The dude was okay with it.

Jay was shaking in the bathroom and his breathing was very shallow, it was clear that he and this Thornton had a really bad past with one another but he wasn't going to push him just like he didn't push about other subjects they had talked about earlier.

"Jay, Jay breathe." Kai insists, pulling him into the large disabled stall so they could get some privacy. "Come on Jay, breathe. Copy my breathing." He exaggerates his breathing. "That's it, in and out. Can I touch you?" Even though Jay was shaking he nodded, struggling to copy his breathing. Kai plants his hands on his shoulders gently to be able to lock eyes.

"Four in. One, two, three four. Hold for seven. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. Out for eight. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight." It took encouragement and time but after a few minutes he was able to calm down immensely. "S-Sorry." Jay stuttered, avoiding looking into his eyes. Kai backed off to try and make him comfortable, assuming he was embarrassed. "It's alright dude, trust goes both ways."

Kai was curious of who he was and why he had set Jay off so badly but he didn't want to pry. Jay opened his mouth to explain -not even under Kai's request- only to hear the door of the bathroom open. An ominous set of footsteps approached the stalls and both men tensed at the intrusion.

The door of the first stall opened, then the second, then the third only to reach where they were. They were frozen, trying not to make any noise. A set of boots faced the door and the door moved but didn't give, it seemed that Jay had locked the door when he had gotten them both in.

Kai's breathing hitched in anticipation, leaning to get closer to the door but not daring to take another step, ready to put all his weight on the entrance to keep it closed. Kai saw Jay shift to mimic his position, even if he was a bit further in the stall. His gaze trailed to the slit between the floor and the frame, his heart beating with adrenaline, clenching his fist and ready to swing.

"Kai." He heard Jay keen, he snapped his gaze towards the blue ninja who pointed towards the boots which now had moved, seeming as if ready to kick the door down. They both rushed in unison, pressing themselves against the cyan coloured wood which retaliated with force, nobody cared about noise at this point. The stranger kicked again, knocking Kai on his ass while Jay managed.

Seeing that this method wasn't working he kicked at the boots from under the slit which didn't seem to be fazed. "Come up here and help me." Jay demanded, sounding out of breath. "Who the fuck are you?!" Kai shouted, getting up and bracing his weight.

The attack stopped and the lightning ninja stumbled back, Kai could see his knees wobble in slight exhaustion, panic flashing in his sapphire eyes. The door creaked opening just slightly, hanging weakly from the frame, the person ripped down the door to reveal Thornton again. "What the fuck is your problem!" Kai shouted, now feeling angry at the fact that this guy found it fun to terrorize them.

He stepped forward towards the ginger without a word, his glare seeming crazy. "I know that you hate me Zeidon but fucking hell, you're not doing this to me again." Jay hissed, readying a fighting stance. Thornton started to laugh maniacally, swinging back and forth on his two feet as if taunting them that they couldn't punch him yet as he hadn't made any act to actually hurt them. "Oh, as if you have a choice."

Kai's chest squeezed, seeing an opening to slip away and get help. 'No, I'm not leaving Jay alone with this psychopath.' He determined, readying himself to fight. Zeidon seemed to calculate his chances in his head before lunging at Jay, grabbing the collar of his white shirt and cocking his fist. Kai grabbed his hand and the guy turned his head to glare at the fire ninja. The ginger started to use his spinjitzu, flinging him off and throwing him out of the stall.

Kai ran out with Jay on his heels, Zeidon was on the floor and he stood up, coming after Kai this time. Jay tackled him to the sinks before he could lay a finger on him, the stranger flips their positions and sticks the lightning ninja's head in one of the sinks, turning it on. Kai sprints to pull him off but the guy kicks him making him have to jump back and dodge. Thornton grabbed the hood of Jay's jacket and tied it to the faucet while the hothead got his bearings, impressively landing a punch on the blue ninja's stomach even though it was trapped between the marble and his victim's figure,

His sight faded from cyan and white and developed into tunnel vision, coating everything in distinct shades of red and came at the brunette who jumped back from Jay. Both had a few moments of trying to attack and defend, looking like they were comically dancing while Jay casually drowned in the background before he threw out a punch in which the enemy ducked under, going for the door. His fist landed on the faucet holding Jay under making him wince in pain but it effectively broke the apparatus from the fake, cheap marble, letting the blue ninja free himself. The guy fled, leaving the bathroom in a hurry and Kai almost gave chase if it weren't for the wheezing that Jay produced with his breathing.

"Let's get you up." He grunted, heaving the blue ninja who was having a bit of trouble breathing from the inhaling. His face and hair was soaking wet, scattering droplets of water across the floor and on Kai but he didn't mind, only slinging the ginger's arm over his shoulder to get him out of there.

They collectively braced themselves when they were about to leave the bathroom, readying themselves for a bar fight if it were to happen. Jay kicked open the door and they rushed to leave, glancing around to see if Zeidon had been waiting for them. The area was clear but it didn't mean they were safe, their converse and boots slapped against the carpeted floor, muffling their sounds.

Kai looked over to Jay, observing him for a second. The blue ninja's clothes had essentially been ruined, the white shirt was slightly see through and just barely presented his chiseled abs, the jacket was both lightly wet and torn, the hood still had the faucet that had been pulled entangled in its folds. His charmingly curtly and messy hair had been ruined, flattened down to his skull and darkened, droplets flying from him with each ragged breath he took. His eyes were the most prominent feature, fear and anger dancing in a way he had never seen before, he scanned their surroundings anxiously, paranoid for another attack.

He couldn't help but ask, ignoring the confused glances that they received for their appearances. "What the hell is with that guy?" Jay couldn't hide the wince, probably due to remembering their history. He shuddered. "It's nothing." He deadpanned, dodging a drunk couple on their way to Lloyd and Zane. "That ain't a nothing I've ever seen Jay." He retorts, lightly bitter that he didn't trust him with the information about who just threatened both of them.

"I said it's nothing." He insisted a little louder, his gaze snapping towards his teammate, Kai gave him a sharp big brother glare. Jay glanced around in fear again. "N-not right now Kai, at least not in public." His stutter made the fire ninja's heart squeeze in fear of what that guy might've done to one of his chosen family members. "Alright." He gives in, squeezing his shoulder and giving him a small smirk in which the blue ninja reciprocates before coughing up some water.

They finally made it to Lloyd and Zane. "Guys!" Kai calls out, they turn to him and their casual expressions turn to horror. Jay's knees seemed to buckle under him, adrenaline now gone from the previous altercation, speaking of that, his hand hurt now. Lloyd rushed to his aid, firmly placing his hands on his chest to keep Jay upright before slinging Jay's other arm over his shoulder."What happened?" Zane questioned, turning his attention to Kai.

"No time. We gotta leave." Kai urged, lugging Jay over with Lloyd's help over to his sister and her boyfriend. "We need to go." Lloyd yells, catching their attention, before the two could ask they skirt past the couple, forcing them to follow or be left behind. People only stared as they fled the scene though many were either too drunk to either notice or care and the bouncers eyed them with suspicion.

Yup, this night took a turn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recognize   
> /ˈrekəɡˌnīz/
> 
> identify (someone or something) from having encountered them before; know again


	6. 6. Calm Before The Storm

Jay Walker shivered under the white fluffy blanket he and Kai were sharing, the red ninja radiated anger and heat next to him while the rest of the team fussed over them. The glare the fire ninja was giving the games console unsettled Jay, was that his fault? He did ruin his free night out on the town, he wouldn't blame him.

Jay avoided the team's piercing gazes in favour of just thinking about what the hell just happened. He didn't know how to internalize the fact that he saw Thornton, of all people. The repressed memories were just barely held back by the dam he had created so much time ago, though some of it seemed out in flashes. Being held down in the changing rooms and having his head shoved into the overflowing sink, being beat down with a metal bat and a tennis racket, among others. He remembered the cruel grin that settled upon his bully's face whenever he saw him in any form of pain, sending shivers down his spine.

Fucking sadist.

Without warning, a hot hand curled around his shoulders, making him flinch instinctively. Fuck, seeing his old tormentor brought back instincts he had abandoned long after childhood. Old habits die hard. He tried to come back to his head but he was disassociating so hard that he couldn't, no matter how much he tried, his body didn't move on his command. The vessel didn't feel like it was his, pushed away by some unseen spirit.

The warm fingers tightened lightly on him and pulled him towards Kai, the falling sensation sent him rocketing back into his armour, almost making him gasp aloud at the sensation of resurfacing. He looked at the hothead who seemingly decided to protectively curl his arms around him, tugging him into his chest to surround him with warmth. The sensation grounded him in reality and kept him from being pushed into the memories. The red ninja set his chin on the top of Jay's head making him intense and relax.

He was aware of the scrutinizing and curious gazes of his teammates but he found that he really didn't care. He eventually found his voice under all the anxiety building up in his chest. "Thanks." Jay muttered. The hum that shook the blue ninja was all the response he needed.

____________________________

At around eight most of the team had retreated back to their quarters, Sensei Wu and Misako had been the first ones to go, Nya following close after. The five were still all settled between the cushions, the elephant in the room growing ever so bigger. Lloyd, who sat beside him turned to him with a hesitant expression.

"Jay, do you mind if I ask you something?" The green ninja asked, wiggling around to get comfortable on the couch. Jay hummed a yes in reply, his eyes gingerly closed as Kai still protectively held onto him, Cole and Zane had joined the protection squad, sitting in front of the sofa. They were both leaning against the foot of the furniture which had caused Kai and Jay to pull up their legs so they could be comfortable, the earth and ice ninja sharing a blanket between them.

"Who was that?" Lloyd asked, joining the original four in their cuddle fest, leaving Jay practically sandwiched in the middle. "Somebody I knew a long time ago." He described vaguely, clearly not wanting to discuss this Thornton they had unpleasantly met. Lloyd seemed to take the hint and only just comforted him through body warmth, slipping under the blanket with Kai and Jay who helped him under the duvet.

They didn't say anything after that,only just enjoyed each other's presence that they had neglected and missed for so long. If they shared a few bro hugs and let a few tears slip between them they didn't mention it.

____________________________

It was around two in the morning after the eventful evening the day before. Jay sat at the deck of the Bounty, gently nursing a cup of tea between rough fingers. He took a light sip, feeling the warmth slide down his throat and settle nicely in his chest, soothing the raging storm in his head slightly. He sighed, a puff of opaqueness came out of his lips, reminding the lightning ninja of the bitter cold that nipped at his body.

He shivered at the temperature and curled into himself, he should probably go over to the deck and grab a blanket but all of his motivation was zapped out him the moment he attempted. 'I don't deserve warmth anyway,' he dismissed it, letting the breeze gently ruffle his hair. He takes a long sip of his tea which had noticeably cooled, now it sat at lukewarm which wasn't as satisfying to the broken soul.

Jay settles his gaze upward, looking at the endless sky above that felt so mindbogglingly close. As if he just reached forward that he would be able to grasp one of the stars between his fingers and hold its close to his chest, as if it would soothe the icy, numb organ that was his heart. His gaze shifts down, choosing to observe the teacup he held oh so gingerly. It was almost empty, a thin layer of the once scalding green liquid was all that was left.

He raises the drink to his lips, letting the remnants of the -now freezing- tea slide down his throat. He shivers, it did nothing to decrease his chances of hypothermia and now the blanket he had dismissed seemed so tempting to retrieve from his quarters. However, instead of retreating into the living room -which was bound to be a least a bit warmer- he stood from his seat at the deck and trudged towards the bow of the flying boat.

He let his weight press against the hard wood of the railings, looking down at the city of Ninjago. He had done so much for this city, they had done so much for the city. Although it was satisfying to be able to see how the city thrived under their care he couldn't help but wonder if he had decided to live a simpler life, nestled cozily between the giant mounts of garbage at his family's dump.

After being recruited into this ninja force, this was all he had. A team of ragtag teenagers who were tasked to watch over an entire land, nothing else mattered, it was always the people the mission. Zane had died for the cause, Cole turned into a ghost for the cause, hell, Lloyd lost the rest of his childhood over the cause. 

He feels the porcelain chalice slide between his fingers as he loosely held on to it. He holds it up to his face, seeing a light reflection of himself. He never really liked himself, there was always something to despise, something that he scorned with all of his might. Sometimes it was his freckles, sometimes it was his hair, sometimes it was his eyebrows, etc. Though sometimes it was everything, and not just appearance wise. Like how he had no contribution for the team except for cheesy, lighthearted jokes in the face of danger that everyone could be annoyed at.

His jokes were annoying, him being there was annoying, him and his existence in general was irritating. His cobalt eyes narrow, glaring at his reflection. He hated it, he hated everything about himself and no matter how much he tried he knew he would never be enough for anyone. Nya already proved that to him, he had given it his all, taking her out on dates, giving her the best presents he could and fucking humiliating himself countless times to make her happy.

Zeidon Thornton also came up as a thought, making him tighten his grip on the handle of the glass. The man had practically tortured him in his youth, the drowning, the dropping, the beatings were all things that took him years to recover from. In a sick, twisted sense, the bully had made him so accustomed to the pain that he missed it for years after the events took place. He knows its wrong now, hell, he knew it was wrong before but it had become one of the only things that were really routine in his life at that time of his life.

He's ashamed that he let it get so out of hand, becoming dependent on something so toxic. Even if he didn't know any better back then, he should have had common sense. A self loathing bubbled in his chest like magma, heating up the cold, icy remnants of his soul which quickly fizzled out and returned to its regular state, numb. 

A temptation to just throw the teacup off the ship with him following behind was very great, however, he knows that Sensei Wu doesn't deserve losing such a fine piece of china over his incompetence. He lowers the porcelain chalice from his field of vision, a chuckle slipping from his lips as if it was second nature. He backed up, letting himself hit the large mast as to not collapse into a pile of tears. 

Jay tilts his head back, lightly banging the back of his cranium which sent a wave of pain ricocheting through his skull. "What's stopping me from just jumping?" He questioned, sliding down the wooden post down onto the floor. He could just barely hear Cole and his mighty snore reverberating under his waist, sending a ghost of a smile on Jay's expression for just a second.

The only thing he could really control in his life, if he would just become another bug that splat against the ground in a tangle of gravity and self loathing. The fine line between life and death isn't something new to Jay, he had danced on he tightrope for practically all of his life, its just nobody bothered to look up. Only those who wished to mock him and make him fall, it's like throwing a rock at a hummingbird.

Then why didn't he make the executive decision to just fly without wings? Letting the screams of horrified bystanders be the last music that he hears before he is taken to hell in the arms of the Grim Reaper would just be so much easier. He didn't fear the consequences, at least, not anymore. 

Jay takes a deep breath, the tiredness, hunger and biting cold settling deep into his bones as if absorbed by a sponge. With much effort, he stands to look out into the inky darkness of the night, with a final glance at the edge, -for some reason- he turns and walks away to live another day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Calm Before The Storm  
> noun
> 
> a period of unusual tranquility or stability that seems likely to presage difficult times.


	7. He was dead

Jay was tired as hell, his insomnia and his depression weighing heavily on him as he approached the training room. He rubbed his eyes sleepily, trying to wipe away the fatigue from his bleary eyes. 

His light footsteps echoed through the creaking halls of the Bounty while he suppressed his many yawns. Jay stops at the entrance of the deck, pooking out to see it barren and devoid of people. Huh, that's strange, usually Sensei Wu or Misako are already up.

Jay ignores the pang of curiosity in his chest in favour of getting his blood pumping. He bends his knees, getting ready to run a few laps to wake himself up and get ready for the weight training he was about to start. 

Light footsteps ran towards his position and he froze, waiting for the person to catch up. Zane popped his head out from the doorframe. "Jay, we have a mission, everyone needs to report to debriefing." His robotic voice informed. The blue ninja immediately took off, "thanks" he said to Zane, falling into a light jog alongside the nindroid.

"We need everyone at their best today-" Jay heard Misako motivate from the outside, he grapples onto the door and leans out with ease to be funny. "Wow, wait for us!" He exclaimed with a light -fake- grin. 

Misako rolled her eyes fondly, a pang of guilt resounded in his chest for interrupting her. He didn't get long to regret it before he was bonked in the head by Sensei Wu's staff. "Hey!" Jay cried out in protest making the others snort or give a chuckle. "Focus ninja, we must be attentive to the information we have."

Zane went up to the screen, Nya hot on his heels. Jay stayed back, preferring to lounge around Lloyd and Kai while Cole stood beside Misako. "Authorities have been tracking down a thief, they have seemingly been hitting random places until they put it down on a map." Misako explained, nodding over to Nya so she takes over. 

"Well, they started by pinning them down." The water ninja started, throwing four darts at a map that was pinned on the wall. It reminded Jay of that time with the Serpentine when she did something similar. "When they lined them up they formed a star, only there was a point missing." 

Zane took over while Nya grabbed a cup of water to hydrate her mouth again while the ice elemental spoke. "The first place that was hit was a convenience store which didn't alarm police at first." He tapped the dart on the far right. "Then it was a privately owned cafe." Zane went over to the one that was southwest and tapped it. "Then came the bank." He dragged his finger up to the one at the north. "And lastly, the most heavily populated power plant." He gestured to the one southeast. 

"When it was drawn out they realised the pattern that it created." Nya jumped back in, grabbing a piece of red yarn and tying it to the first location and went from place to place. "Which means the last location would be..." She paused her threading and plucked a dart from the desk, sticking it into its rightful location before tying the last of the thread onto it. 

Both ninjas stepped back to reveal the map, letting the others see it in it's full glory. Cole went towards it, his eyes trailing from location to location. "So what does this mean? We're handling this guy?" Lloyd asked, crossing his arms and scratching at his chin which had developed just a hint of blonde stubble. 

"Police have handed this case over to us since it has been reported to be a large group. Though most of the time it starts as just one solo person." Misako informed with a warning tone. "This means you must not lower your guard." Sensei Wu said, twirling his staff between nimble fingers before thrusting it towards Kai. "You must be prepared at all times." The fire ninja's reflexes made him block with his arm and lower it down. "Expect the unexpected." Sensei Wu swung at Cole who jumped back to dodge by pure instinct. 

"So, when do we have to go?" Jay questioned, seeing Lloyd bend back to avoid the bamboo stick with just a sliver of space to spare. 

Sensei's wise gaze fell on him, the old man spun his staff and struck down which made Jay slide to the side to avoid. "Tonight."

____________________

Sneaking into the museum was an easy feat, the window that they had used to infiltrate back when Garmadon had the Mega-Weapon still had an opening which was an advantage. Jay was in the back of the line of ninjas - which he surprisingly didn't mind a lot, he was the liability. 

"It's been a while since we've had one of these." Lloyd mumbled next to him, his gaze flickered over to the blonde's face and he could feel that everyone had their attention on the green ninja. 

"What do you mean?" Kai asked, raising his eyebrow. Lloyd turned his back to Jay, meaning he was probably looking at the fire ninja. "This, an actual mission that doesn't involve the press or anything that's publicized." Lloyd explains in a low voice. 

Zane nods and Jay is compelled to agree. Ninjas were things of the night, a secret society that blends into the darkness and strikes with skill, precision, speed and extreme silence. Since they were so public, it was hard to achieve complete privacy when they were involved in anything.

Jay felt himself space out. The good thing about not getting many missions is the fact that he gets to get a break, they all do. Though in his case that means to just be antisocial and isolate himself as much as he can. He unconsciously shifts on the museum ledge while the others whispered amongst themselves. His gaze was tapered to the dancing moonlight that pooled at the floor of the museum. It was merely just something to focus on, not anything he was really observing. Something scratched at his gut, his stomach sinking into the empty abyss that was his lost soul. 

He had a bad feeling about all of this.

"Jay." A hushed whisper pulled him out of his dreadful thoughts. His eyes snapped to Lloyd who looked at him with a determined -but worried- gaze. He could feel his heart shrivel up with guilt at making him worry but he nodded nonetheless. The green ninja tilted his head, gesturing towards the bottomless pit exhibit where a shadow dashed by the entrance.

They elegantly went down in their own ways, Cole, Kai and Nya travelled via tapestry while Lloyd, Zane and Jay sailed, letting gravity do its thing. The six landed on the balls of their feet, not making any noise as they made a circular formation around the shadowy figure.

The person seemed to finally realise they were surrounded, glancing around wildly before settling on an offensive position. They went for Nya - probably depending on the fact that she was the most inexperienced. The water ninja didn't let it faze her, however she did have to shift back to balance her weight before spin kicking the person right back into the center. 

The angle of the moonlight hit the thief and revealed a scarlet hood with a black coat, spandex pants that dissapeared into their combat boots and a green scarf that covered their nose and down, a mask covering their top half. 'Fuck!' He cursed in his head, the lighting didn't allow for Jay to see amy distinguishing features.

"You might want to surrender now." Lloyd warned, his eyes cautious as he held ready to engage. The thief didn't reply. Apparently, this person wouldn't go down without a fight.

They shifted their foot from defense to a jumping position before they leaped above Jay, -who was the shortest besides Nya- managing to cling onto a dark army statue before heaving themselves up. A grunt echoed through the building as the ninja tried to flank him, Kai went from the left with him while the others attempted to get him from the front or the opposite side.

The person front flipped above their grasp, landing a few feet away before taking off into a sprint, them hot on their heels. They passed a few exhibits before they hit a dead end. The thief then started to parkour up which everyone started to follow. "Get them!"

Nya lagged behind for just a millisecond, missing the ability to trip him before he was off and on the loose. They gave chase as the person started to pick up the pace, he took the front with Zane, Lloyd slightly behind, Kai hot on his heels. He didn't have enough time to catch a glimpse of Nya but he could see that Cole was catching up to the fire ninja. 

The thief hit another dead end, however they seemingly didn't want to surrender and resorted to breaking a priceless stained glass window to climb out. "Out the window!" Lloyd ordered. Jay and Zane flew through the obstacle, he was gaining on the person. His gaze started to analyse the thief's form until his focus landed on their hand.

The person had a tight grip on something. Jay's eyes narrowed as he started to drift to the side to get a better look. A red glint caught his eye and he got a glimpse of a gem. "Shit." He muttered before breathlessly announcing. "Guys! He's got the serpentine gem!" 

"Come on, pick up the pace!" Kai enforced, falling into step with Lloyd. Jay powered forward, his fingers directed towards Zane, lightly gesturing to the other side twice. The ice ninja seemed to understand the silent request and went to flank the thief from the other side. 

Jay went to start closing in on the person, Zane following suit, Lloyd and Kai seemed to realise their plan and started running even faster to block the back. Cole on the other hand started to come up on his side while Nya lagged a bit behind the energy and fire ninjas. 

A burst of uncharacteristic bravery struck him and he lunged, toppling both of them. The momentum however kept it so they were still approaching the edge of the roof at an alarming rate. They started trading punches and kicks, bruises and cuts flourishing on each other's bodies. Jay grit his teeth after the guy aimed a well placed kick at his crotch but ignored the pain.

He snatched the ruby out of his grasp, finally looking out to see what was going on while he fended off his enemy. The others hadn't been able to help him out because while he was kiddy fighting this guy the others had started to fight a large group of same looking people. "Fucking hell." He mumbled before being thrown back into the one v one fray. 

The person now had them flipped again, him now on top. The gem left his grasp, rolling towards Cole. "Cole!" He cried out before receiving another sucker punch in the face, he blocked the next and kneed the guy in the stomach. 

"What?" The earth ninja replied, fending off five lowly skilled masked fiends. "The gem Cole, the gem!" He shouted, the buff ninja finally noticed the close crystal and used the two closest guys as bowling balls for the other three. 

Jay didn't get to see Cole go towards the Serpent crystal and focused on the hands enclosing on his throat. "Bastard." He lowly wheezed as his fingers went up to try to pry him off to no avail. The thief hauled him up and dangled him off of the ledge, above the Ninjago river. 

His gaze fell to Lloyd's retreating figure, a red jewel in his grasp that contrasted to his green suit. "Go back!" A masked perpetrator cried out, escaping with everyone else in their clan except for the soloist. 

Jay flailed in his grasp, kicking and fighting back until he had no more energy to. Lloyd started coming back and Nya spotted his limp figure. "Jay!" She shouted, directing everyone's attention to them. The pressure lightened considerably and he gasped, taking in as much air as possible. 

"Give me the gem or the blue ninja gets the plunge." The voice was masculine, hoarse and Jay would've smirked at the knowledge that he had punched his throat earlier if it werent for his position. "Don't do it guys-" he protested before the tightening grip forced him to focus on breathing. 

His eyes locked with Nya's, knowing that the glint in his expression would tell her what he was planning. She shook her head profusely, no, she was silently emoting. 

"Now, now, let's not be too hasty, just let our friend go." Zane tried to mediate until the person shook Jay, making him dizzy. When his world stopped spinning in circles he focused at looking at his brothers' expressions. 

Cole's battle hardened eyes and tense jaw. Jay wished they hadn't let Nya drive a wedge between their relationship. It was only after they battled in a deadly match that they rekindled the spark but even then their flame of friendship had never been the same. 

Next was Kai's terse but secretly worried expression. Jay and Kai had always been ones to exchange quips and snarky remarks, he tried to not take them personally but his declining mental health had never allowed him to do so. Although, they had been growing a bit closer as of late and he wished he would survive this experience to see it blossom into a beautiful brotherhood. 

However, he had to pass to the next in line, Zane. They always had a good dynamic, humor with some dash of cluelessness. Some days it would be Zane who needed to be taught what a joke meant or some days he needed Zane to show him the ropes for some technological advancements. He loved spending time with him. He could see the icy light blue eyes reflecting equations and weighing possibility after possibility.

Nya, she was a special case. He couldn't help the slight bit of bitterness in his chest at the sight of her. Jay knows that he's moved on but he couldn't help but wonder if what they had could ever become anything more. No more use praying for that candle to light anymore, she chose her man and if it wasn't him then he would just have to deal with it. A light happiness came between the resentment, at least they had good memories.

Last but not least, Lloyd. The boy who had grown too fast and never had the chance to grow. Forced into adulthood by the force of fate to fight his own father. His eyes were the most innocent, burning bright green with determination that no pther could ever hope to achieve. However he could also see the hardships, the trauma he had endured for so long coming to reap at him with a vengeance. He remembers a time when he wanted more with the young man, and he still does but he would never violate their dynamic. He would never violate the trust between them both just because he's a hopeless romantic. 

'Well, now it'll never happen.' He thought bitterly. He flashed a reasurring and for once real grin before focusing back onto the man who held his life in his grasp. He glared and reached up, gripping his fingers with his own to try and seemingly pry them off. On the contrary, he was just adjusting his grip.

The figure seemed to take their long, drawn out silence as denial and went to throw him off of the roof. "Alright." He spoke. As the other's grip started to slip, his only tightened. 

Jay started to plummet, gravity doing its rightful job, "If I'm going down." he threw a hand out, gripping the thief with a vice like grip. The other tried to push him off Jay drew him closer, "You're coming with me." Both of them were now in the air and falling rapidly into the river.

Sadness that he was going to die alongside an enemy instead of going out his way bubbled up but was rapidly pushed away with a sense of acceptance. He lets go of his enemy, knowing that neither of them had any way of escape. He felt time go in slow motion.

It was funny, at the start of his journey to be a ninja he was against the serpentine completely. Now, he's dying for one of their most prized possessions, he doesn't really mind. Jay always knew he was going to die, of course, everyone does, death is inevitable but he has to admit; this isn't the way he thought he was going to go out.

When he was younger and more naive he never thought he'd make it past childhood since being pummeled was his pastime. Then, after that, it was a toxic relationship that he escaped.

After that, all of the adventures he went on, he thought he was going to die when he helped destroying the Great Devourer. He thought he was going to die when he helped in defeating the Overlord twice. He thought he was going to die when he was trapped in a tournament that was rigged from the start. He thought he was going to die when he was battling fake anacondrai snakes. He thought he was going to die when the whole Morro and the beast that was the spirit realm happened. He thought he was going to die when he went to fucking space. However, he didn't think he was going to die because of a terrorist thief.

It was an inglorious death, suiting.

Jay shifted his body and was immediately flipped around by the air resistance, isntead of facing his watery prison he now looked at the sky. He wanted his last sight to be the stars. They twinkled, white contrasting brightly against the black backdrop. 

His mind constructed a fake Big Dipper out of the stars he could see and let his expression relax, he was at peace. The thief next to him grappled at his clothes roughly but he ignored it, his gaze trailing over to the roof, his stitched together family looking down at him in his final moments. He winked at them and returned his eyes back to the stars, he reached out a hand, as if he could gently grasp one in his palm.

His time was up.

____________________

"No!" The entire group cried out, only able to watch as both people tumbled off of the edge. Kai was the first to move, throwing a hand out to try and catch Jay only to miss by a sliver. "Jay!" He yelled, the others came forward, only able to look in horror as Jay winked at them. 

His eyes turned glassy as he turned back to looking at the sky before he crashed into the water and dissapeared underneath the waves.

_____

He ignored the cold rush that came over him when he splashed against the water, sinking down into the current before it picked him upHe ignored the cold rush that came over him when he splashed against the water, sinking down into the river before the current picked him up.

The thief was torn off of him by the raging waters, separated by the crashing waves. He held his breath, his eyes peacefully closed. He knocked into obstacles, probably rocks and the like, each clash taking some of his breath away. 

He felt like was floating on air, until his oxygen ran out. His lungs started to burn and he resisted opening his eyes, his body instinctually started flailing. His mind forced him to take a breath, inhaling water, he tried to cough but instead only gained more water in his system.

Jay started to think of all of the good times with his makeshift family, knowing that the good times with his parents are things that he would not sully with his current state.

_________

"The green ninja suit, awesome!" Jay exclaimed, looking at the fire ninja as he sheepishly looked at them whilst wearing the green ninja outfit, unbeknownst to all of them at the time that Lloyd was the one who was going to be wearing it soon.

________

Kai gloated at the fact that he had discovered that Nya was the samurai, and by their rules that meant he was the green ninja. Jay winked at Nya then opened his mouth.

"Why would we say that?" Jay asked blankly 

"Yeah I'm drawing a blank" Cole said seriously, wearing the same blank expression as Jay.

"Yup, that conversation is not on my database" Zane added.  
________

"He's worse than Sensei Wu" Jay whispered to Kai as they all ridiculously danced in front of Cole's father, Lou "practicing" for the big show to get the second fang blade.

_______

"Who wins between ninja and pirate!? Samurai!" Jay yelled happily, relieved that Nya had come to save the day, as he was stuck under the mast along with the other ninja.

_________________

Relief coursed through his veins as he tended to Lloyd. They hadn't gotten the realm crystal but at least they had Lloyd back and that's all that matters.

"You're burning up." Jay informed, grabbing an ice pack from the fridge and placing it on Lloyd's forehead. 

"That doesn't matter, we need to get to Morro." The green ninja insisted, attempting to get up. Jay gently pushed him back down. After destroying the mountain with his powers, he needed rest.

He looked up, seeing that the rest of the guys had gone to plan. "We're going to take at least a few hours to get there, take a quick nap and then we'll plan." He stubbornly calculated. "You need to be at your best, besides, it would be best for you to get used to being back in control of your body, Morro probably didn't take care of it well." 

Lloyd rolled his eyes. "Fine, but if anything happens I am getting up." He points out. 

"Alright." He sighed fondly, feelings that he tried to repress bubbling up to the surface befor being forced down. Lloyd gives him a small smile and Jay can't resist smiling back.

_______

Jay's feeling of his body started fading, his fingertips going numb before spreading over his limp form. 'I love you guys.' He thought before he was lost between the waves.

_______

Kai stared down at the river, his gaze heavy with loss. Regret coarsed through his veins, while he had mended some things with Jay he had never really apologised for all the things he had done wrong. He wants to go back in time, make even more happy memories or maybe even prevent all of this altogether. He would give anything to switch places with Jay, he guessed those things would be left unsaid.

Tears threatened to spill but he held them back, he could already see everyone breaking apart. 'Its just like when we were kids.' He glanced at Nya. 'I'll grieve when I'm alone.' 

Cole stared blankly, following the water as it calmed, claiming another two lives in its rage. He stopped when he saw the full moon reflecting against the river, his body frozen and heavy like lead. 'Jay would love the view.' The walls around his heart cracked painfully but didn't fully shatter. He presumed it would break when they got to the Bounty and he would shatter into a thousand pieces when reality settled in.

Zane scanned the calm water, the thermo scan proving nothing to pinpoint where Jay is. He felt a heavy emotion in his chest, almost making his body feel like it was dead weight. 'Is this how everyone felt when he died?' The nindroid questioned in his head. 'Nindroid is a name Jay came up with when we discovered my true origins.' His light blue eyes darkened considerably, turning almost grey. 

Nya's body shook with sobs, they could have found another way, they could have found another way. She may have been the one to break it off with Jay but she still loved him like a friend, she tried bringing him up but with the pain in her heart and the thoughts running in her head she couldn't focus.

Lloyd's sight was cloudy but unwavering, his broken eyes staring at the exact spot he last saw Jay in. The loss crippled his already weak heart leaving disaster at its wake. 'How much?' He asked himself. 'How much do I have to lose, how much more can I lose?' 

His childhood, his father and now the man he liked? 

He knelt down, his legs feeling like jelly. A tear rolled down his cheek, falling off of his face and sailing down, soaring through the wind before becoming one with the waves. Jay's watery tomb. His mind trailed off into memory lane, wanting to distract him for even a moment.

_________

Lloyd hung from a lamppost in Jamanaki Village as he glared angrily at the ninja, the group flicked their hoods up, revealing their faces. One of them gave the others some candy, taking one of them for himself they looked up to look at their masterpiece.

"Next time try paying for your candy" Cole teased the soon to be green ninja.

"Crime doesn't pay moochachov, you can take that to the bank" Jay said, winking while he ate his sweet treat. "Mmm cotton candy!"

_________

"Uh, hate to tell you this, but objects in the mirror are closer than they appear!!!" Jay yelled, scared for his life to Nya who was controlling the steering wheel while the gigantic snake followed behind. 

He held tightly onto the desk, following Nya's orders to a T, not interested in becoming snake food.

_________

"I'll do my part you just make sure it stays in one spot" The Lord of darkness told the ninja, winking. Running away the opposite way.

"One spot? ONE SPOT?! How are we supposed to make him stay in one spot?!" Jay screeched, throwing his arms up in the air.

"If you forget we're ninja." Kai smirked

_______

A roar sounded, and as a selfless act Jay pushed Lloyd away from the fog. He was being quickly transformed from the colorful, blue ninja we all know, and love to a darker version, gray spreading from his chest to down his clothes, turning them gray, and black while his hands, turned gray aswell. It was only a matter of time before he was completely turned.

"Get out of the way!" Jay yelled at the three, Kai grabbed Lloyd by one of his arms, slinging it around his neck while Zane did the same on the other side. They rushed forward, as to not have contact with the gray and purple fog, leaving Jay to complete his transformation as his blue eyes turned a deep purple.

He was under the Overlord's control.

_________

"We can't fight him, it's Lloyd!" Jay screamed in worry for his friend. Lloyd felt fondness blossom in his chest at his words, being co-conscious enough to hear his words. 

_________

"Why? Just- why him?" Lloyd asked aloud, his voice cracking with loss. Emotions, loud and overwhelming hit him hard. Salty tears cascaded from his eyes and ending in the river. It hurt, it hurt a lot.

All of a sudden, white, hot anger made itself present. His body started shaking, unknowingly making the river beneath them stir and waves clash against one another. He felt a presence and gently curled a hand towards it, holding it close to his chest.

The ninja stared in awe as Lloyd controlled the water, a stream floating above the water and forming a bubble around something, around someone. Gingerly, the water separated from the body slowly and shot back into the river like a wild animal. 

Jay's body starts to fall out of the sky and Lloyd's eyes snap open, looking up and realizing what he's just done. He froze at seeing the blue ninja's form plummet. 

Cole rushes forward, catching Jay who's limp corpse felt like dead weight in his arms. He places him on the ground with shaky hands. Kai slides to the ground next to him and Lloyd snaps out of it and follows closely behind. "Zane, CPR instructions, now." The fire ninja orders.

"Call 911."

"Not an option." 

"Lay the person on their back and open their airway." 

Lloyd sets to adjusting Jay's cold form, making sure to make it easy for them to work well.

"Next."

"Check for breathing."

"Negative."

"Perform 30 chest compressions."

Kai starts firmly pressing down on Jay's chest. Cole starts counting the numbers out loud for him to hear while Lloyd stands at ready. 

"Nya, start trying to remove the water from his lungs." Lloyd commands and she shakily nods, trying to get her head together.

"30."

"Two rescue breaths."

Lloyd gently but quickly grasps Jay's face and breathes into his mouth twice before setting him back down. 

"Repeat until an ambulance or automated external defibrillator arrives." 

Kai starts the compressions again. "Do we have one of those?" He asks, grunting when he feels one of Jay's ribs crack under the pressure, Cole's counting in the background. 

"I can makeshift one with my power source but I will need help." 

"Cole, go help him, Nya how's that water."

"Starting, I've gotten a bit out."

"Stop, I need to do the rescue breaths."

Lloyd repeats, grabbing Jay's face and breathing into his mouth firmly twice. 

"Compressions." 

"I'll help you with the water Nya."

"Appreciated Lloyd." 

"How are we doing with the thingy majob." 

"Almost done, just need to let it charge up."

"Stop, rescue breaths."

"One, two."

"AED ready to go."

Kai stops pumping Jay's chest while Lloyd and Nya continue to work on expelling all of the water. Cole swiftly hands him the makeshift pads they made using some spare wires that Zane had on him and some fabric that they salvaged from Cole's gi. 

"How do I use this?" Kai asked, not questioning why it was hooked up to Zane. 

"Its already powered on, apply the pads after exposing chest and wiping off any moisture."

Cole ripped Jay's gi open, he'll get a new one later. Kai wiped off all of the water off of him with his own dry clothes, some water suddenly spurted out of Jay's mouth onto Cole and Kai's chests but they pain no mind to it. 

"Sorry."  
"Sorry."

They stuck the sticky fabric pads onto Jay's bare and scarred chest. 

"Done."

"Clear!" 

Jay's body spasmed for a second before calming back down. They waited for a few seconds.

"Clear!"

"Get the rest of the water out."

"Clear!"

"We're trying!"

"Clear!"

"Just this last bit of water."

"Clear!" 

"Clear!"

"Dial it up!"

"Clear!"

"Clear!"

"A bit more."

"Too much could permanently-"

"Clear!"

"What choice do we have?"

"Clear!"

"Upped."

"Clear!"

"Clear!"

"Clear!"

"Stop."

"No, clear!"

"Kai."

"I'm not giving up on him like I gave up my parents!"

"Kai, stop." Cole tried to calm him down, his hands shaky, Kai silenced before he raised one finger. "One last try." Cole nodded grimly and closed his eyes.

"Bump it up, clear!"

A gasp echoed through the roof, coughing following close behind. Light traces of water came put of Jay's lips as he expelled it. Lloyd cradled the shaking ninja's head as he shook from the cold and exhaustion that seeped into his very bones.

A beat of silence between them all as Jay went unconscious, taking shaky breaths as he rested. And quiet whoops of celebration were heard, Nya helped Zane put the wires back where they came from and disconnected the makeshift pads from him before closing his hatch. Kai hugged Zane and Nya and Cole pat Lloyd on the back. "Job well done."

"We're not out of the woods yet, he probably has hypothermia." Lloyd hypothesized, gently combing his hands through Jay's ginger hair.

"Let's go home boys! And girl."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Basic CPR steps
> 
> 1) Call 911 or ask someone else to.  
> 2) Lay the person on their back and open their airway.  
> 3) Check for breathing.   
> 4) Perform 30 chest compressions.  
> 5) Perform two rescue breaths.  
> 6) Repeat until an ambulance or automated external defibrillator (AED) arrives.


	8. Waiting

Jay's limp form swayed under Lloyd's firm grip. He had to admit, taking their dragons while they had an unconscious passenger wasn't the wisest choice. However with the way Jay was shivering under his touch he could only guess he had severe hypothermia among other injuries which meant they were on a time crunch. 

The icy wind that bit at Lloyd probably wasn't helping either, he cursed quietly under his breath. As much as he didn't like it, this was their quickest option to get back as fast as possible to treat Jay. He sighed and concentrated on steering his dragon, Bentley. The mystical animal was an extension of his mind, he required focus to summon him properly - something that was frankly hard to achieve with an injured teammate.

He sharply sighed, forcing himself to look ahead even if his entire being was telling him to only pay attention to Jay. He felt Kai's burning stare that paid extreme attention to his form. Nya hadn't mastered her elemental dragon as of yet so she hitched a ride with her brother. Zane on the other hand needed some time to recuperate his strength so he went with the earth ninja, the makeshift AED hadn't done any favours for his power source but he would live.

"Come on Bentley, go faster." The dragon grumbled at the request and flapped his wings a little harsher, accelerating a bit. A harsh movement from Bentley almost sent Jay rocketing out of Lloyd's arms. He felt the air rush out of his lungs as his grip faltered for a moment. "Okay, okay, ease it a bit." He breathlessly commanded, shifting it so Jay was practically in his lap. 

"I wish I had something to tie him with." Lloyd mumbled under his breath, his heartbeat skyrocketing as the wind started to pick up a bit. He snorted when he realised what he had said and imagined Jay shouting; "kinky!"

Another exhale escaped his lips as his gaze trailed down to the blue ninja's shivering form. Even now, unconscious and lightly matching his gi in colour he couldn't help but admire Jay's attractive qualities. 

The freckles that were peppered on his face and rest of his body - even if he couldn't really see it. His usually striking bright sapphire eyes. His fair skin and ginger curls. Lloyd looked ahead again, hugging Jay's form closer to preserve heat all the while letting his powers flow through his veins, warming both of them up gradually.

First Spinjitsu Master, my grandfather, please let him live. 

____________________

Cole had felt fear before.

He felt afraid when he left the performing arts school and practically abandoned his father. He felt afraid when he became a ninja. He felt afraid when Morro possessed Lloyd. However, it never ceased to make his body tingle, his hands shake and make him want to burst into tears as he let himself collapse in the confines of his room. 

Right now though, his fear was for his best friend. Jay seemed to shiver worse and worse as he plucked him off of Bentley, not even waiting for the others as he sped into the Bounty. His limp, wet form shook in his arms and he bit his lip to the point of blood. "Cole, we need to get Sensei." Zane exclaimed, dashing in behind him, the others hot at his heels. 

Kai and Lloyd crowded around the black ninja, he felt the surge between them both as they concentrated on fire, the warmth that was keeping Jay alive. Nya steps into the triangle and with apologetic eyes she puts a hand over his which was shaking in shock. "Babe, we need to let them help. Put Jay down." She gently commands, her glare saddened and her touch soft, as if he was glass under her fingertips that could shatter at any second. 

Cole nods. "Okay." He agrees in a low whisper, the three clear the path as he walks over to the living room, gingerly lowering Jay down onto the couch. His gaze travels all over his frame, observing every shudder, every curl drenched in water, every freckle that twitched as he winced in his fitful rest. He felt guilt bubble up in his chest, his shoulders drooping to close in on himself in a subconscious attempt of self comfort. 

A gentle hand lands on his shoulder but he doesn't move his gaze. "Cole, I'm sorry but you need to move." Misako's motherly voice traveled to his ear and Cole numbly nods again, this time staying quiet. Zane silently greets him at the doorway, watching as Lloyd, Kai and Nya worked in harmony to tend to Jay under the watchful eye of both Misako and Sensei Wu. Cole stares ahead, walking out of the living room, licking his lips as his eyes stung with tears. 

Zane turns towards the earth ninja. "He'll be okay." Cole speaks, trying to put some confidence in his voice to reassure both of them but it falls flat, sounding just as much as a lie to him than it does to Zane. "Alright." The nindroid states, heading to Sensei Wu's room to retrieve the teakettle and teacup. Cole stands still, watching with a lump in his throat, he leaves the hall and then goes to follow. 

The twists and turns of the Bounty catch none of his attention, meeting eyes with Zane as he turns back, his metal hands clinking against the kettle and he sighs. Instead of heading back however, the ice ninja heads towards the debrief room which was equally close to the kitchen and living room. Cole goes over, catching teacups and mugs in his grip and setting them down on the table, not watching as Zane puts the kettle on and also stands, waiting for it to boil. 

The silence was thick between them both, neither of them knowing what to say about the situation, nevertheless, both shared the same feeling of helplessness. While Zane was often the team medic whenever it was necessary if the elders weren't available, his presence would do more harm than good in Jay's case of hypothermia. Cole on the other hand was completely neutral, just as the first spinjitzu Master intended him to be. Cole turns, meeting eyes with Zane, a mutual sadness encompassing the room like a thick blanket. 

He felt cold. So disgustingly cold. 

The moment of shared understanding was interrupted when the kettle started to whistle angrily, the nindroid broke away from the trance, turning away while he retrieved the leaves. Cole only looked on as Zane took a handful of teabags and seeping them into the boiling water. The earth ninja could only imagine as the water that jumped and bubbled in its container swept the leaves into its depths, colours blooming from the individual packets as they gave in to its only purpose. The water taking and taking, sucking the taste dry and plunging into the bags, as if mimicking a trade. 

He didn't notice when the ice ninja plucked the kettle off of the heat and turned the stove off nor did he realise how the metal rattled in Zane's grasp as he took cautious steps towards him. Cole only focused when Zane had started pouring the green tea into two mugs, setting it down and gingerly placing one in his grasp. The earth ninja's fingers wrapped around the ceramic, revelling and soaking up the comforting warmth underneath his fingertips. 

His eyes trailed from the murky, swampy liquid over to the ice droid who resembled a robot more than ever, staring off into the distance with a tired gaze. It seems that Zane noticed his staring and slowly moved his icy blue eyes to stare back at Cole. A silent, mutual agreement came between them once more, however instead of one of feeling it was of a promise. 

Whoever this was going to pay.

_______

Nya ran over to the open doors that led to the deck, closing them as to not let the cold seep in more than it already had. She turns away, looking to see Kai and Lloyd huddling together around Jay, Kai's figure radiating a comfortable warmth. "Ninjas, you must use your powers wisely. We cannot heat Jay up immediately or else his body will go into further shock. You must gradually bring up the heat as to let him get used to the change." Misako explained before running out of the room, presumably to get something. 

Sensei Wu started to look for any injuries as Kai's warmth turned colder, it seems he lowered down his natural warmth, she watches as his eyes flutter shut to concentrate and hone his abilities. Lloyd seemed to keep himself at regular temperature. "Kai will start first, then I'll join in when he gets above room temperature." Lloyd orders before his green eyes landed on her. "Nya, either you start getting the water out of his gi or his hair." 

She takes a shaky breath before coming closer, trying to relax herself to flow with her element. "Why can't you help me?" She asked before she started. "Can't, I barely know how to use water and I discovered it today by accident." He rushes out, seeming to catch Wu's attention. "What." He questions. "Lloyd has water abilities?" 

Lloyd appears to get impatient. "Can we talk about this later!" He exclaims, locking eyes with Nya and nodding. She takes another deep breath, her eyes landing on Jay's face that was peppered with freckles and starting to get back to his natural colour. She concentrates, staring at his ginger curls. 'Just let it flow Nya.' It takes a bit but eventually she starts to perform under the watchful eyes of her family. 

Her figure starts to relax, her body feeling like it melted and was hers to control down to the very last joint. A refreshing feeling washed over her, as if she walked into the oceans, let the waves crash over her and swallow her into its very depths. A pleasing, numbing cold came from her own head, as if she and Jay had traded hair. The ginger curls in her vision slowly morphed halfway, being able to see the droplets and his strands in a beautiful dance between orange, red and different shades of blue. 

She watches as beads of liquid flow to her fingertip, building atop itself to create a string upon her finger that only she could see. Nya felt as if she wanted to reach out and touch the mop of hair atop Jay but refrained, letting her soul and her element do it for her. The two connected and intertwined, mending as if it had never been separated in the first place, groups of droplets that once desperately hid between ginger curls now starting to float in the air, leaving patches of dry and wet in its wake.

The temperature around her felt a soothing mix of refreshing cold and comforting heat that made her want to bundle up in front of a campfire and drink a glass of eggnog. Her brother's cinnamon scent wafted into her nose and she relished in the comfort it gave her before sadness washed over her. Nya narrowed her eyes, taking the grief and sorrow that she had, pushing away the previous peace and let it sink into her before letting it empower her. "Nya." She heard a whisper though it sounded worlds away, she ignores it.

She feels the water at the nape of his neck and starts ripping the drops off of him, the trance inducing, elegant beauty of her abilities now gone as she is now reminded of her purpose. She doesn't stop at his hair and travels down his body and clothing, plucking any traces of liquid off of him and depositing it. 

"Nya!" A cry snaps her out of it. Nya turns to glare only to realise that her brother had stopped warming up a while ago, she felt another hot aura behind her, Lloyd was also depleting as much as he could while it being healthy for Jay. Heavy exhaustion hit her like a slap to the face and her knees buckle. A pair of hands catch her and the feeling of Sensei and Misako washed over her. 

Hazel eyes she didn't know she had closed opened, watching and feeling as the elders lower her gently onto the floor. Nya shudders and tries to sit up. "There's still some left-" She protests only to be gingerly held down by Sensei Wu. "You have overexerted yourself my pupil, rest. Jay would not want you to harm yourself to come to his aid." He explains, pulling out a pillow out of nowhere before gingerly pulling Nya's head up and tucking the pillow behind her black curls. 

Misako had flocked to the blue ninja's side where the two men were huddled alongside Jay's unconscious figure. Lloyd, who is closest to the door calls out to the outside. "Cole! Zane! Someone get some blankets, I think we're all staying here tonight." 

Heavy footsteps fade into obscurity for what Nya guessed was a couple of minutes and she took the time to curl up into a ball on her side. The cold, the unbearable cold that she felt when she was taking it away from Jay made her heart shrivel in sympathy, making her blink back tears. The floor vibrated under her touch, a pair of thumps nearing their location before the doors slid open. 

Cole and Zane stepped into the room, the pile of blankets were stacked up so high it covered their faces. She let a small smile grace her lips as the boys worked together to make everyone comfortable before they hunkered down for the night. 

___________

Zane gave out blankets to the entire family - except for Sensei Wu and Misako who do not have the ability to sleep on the floor due to their ageing bodies. "What's going to be the arrangement?" Nya asked from the floor, having taken her white and red fluffy blanket that had a golden embroidery that formed beautiful swirls and waves on the cover. She seemed to not be in the mood to move spaces and simply scoot closer to the couch, forming a partial barrier to Jay. 

"Move lil' sis. We need to extend the sofa bed." Kai ordered, picking up Jay in his arms along with the blue ninja's usual blanket which was steampunk patterned. He stepped away from the couch to give space to open the bed, giving Nya a light kick. Nya plants her hands towards the bottom of the couch and pushes away, taking the impulse to roll over twice before sending a small glare towards her porcupine haired brother. 

Zane moves over to the other side of the couch. "Help me out Lloyd." The green ninja shrugs. "Sure." The blonde and nindroid work in tandem to open the sofa bed before stepping back. "Kai and Lloyd'll sleep with Jay, they're the warmest, we'll sleep on the floor." Cole orders before stepping out of the room. Kai doesn't seem to mind the arrangement, carrying the blue ninja in the blanket burrito and kneeling on the mattress. 

The red ninja gingerly places Jay on the kind of comfortable surface and Jay immediately curls into a ball, his ginger hair spreading around him messily. Kai moves over to the end closest to the wall and lays down, holding his face up with his hand and looks at Zane. The nindroid assumes it's to be able to see everyone else who started to migrate to the floor. Lloyd sits on the other end, seemingly planning on laying there to prevent Jay from rolling off of the bed. His light blue eyes observes the room as everyone settles down.

He thinks about Jay's condition and mechanically sighs, the hypothermia wasn't extreme -the symptoms didn't exactly match up as Jay still shivered which was a good thing. However, the impact of the water among other things did injure his body. Only time would tell how well he'd wake up.

Nobody spoke as people's eyes slipped closed after hours of thrashing about.

There was nothing to talk about.

Just silence.

__________

Lloyd zoomed up into a sitting position after another imaginary -or real, he didn't really know anymore- vision invaded his mind while he slept. His toxic green eyes analysed the room quickly, his gaze settling on sleeping form after sleeping form and also checking to see if any doors were open. He silently head-counted everyone, turning his head to also factor Kai and Jay in. He exhales sharply, letting himself fall back on the hard mattress of the sofa bed.

The green blanket he treasured was now tangled between his feet, letting the warmth he so desperately craved before wash over him and he swears he's sweating. He shuts his eyes, massaging his forehead. Nightmares were nothing new for him but they never got easier to handle, if anything, they got worse over the years. He hated that. He flips onto his side to look at Jay and Kai's sleeping forms. 

Jay was still cocooned and tightly curled up like a spring -not shaking like he was earlier on the brink of death. Kai was sprawled out, miraculously not invading any of Jay's space except for one stray finger that was stuck right underneath the blue ninja's nose. 

Lloyd sighs, his mind wandering. It was a close call, too close for his liking. They should've communicated better but with so many years of partnership they had started to depend on each other know what the other was going to do, familiarity guiding them time and time again. However, with how much each of them have been changing, it just wasn't working anymore. 

How much had they drifted apart for things to get this hard?

The thought stuck in his mind for a while, it felt like a haunting question because it was true. His green eyes focus on Jay again and the worry, the bone deep terrible fear takes him again and squeezes his heart. He shifts his legs, reaching out towards the blue ninja suddenly, a hiss escapes his lips and his eyes flutter shut. He sits up, moving his pant leg up onto to see a nasty bruise that had gone black and blue. 

His eyebrows furrow, 'I don't remember getting that.' He thinks. 'Must have been the adrenaline.' Slowly, he rolls off the bed, landing in a push-up right next to Cole whom was mere centimetres away. Lloyd takes a calming breath, carefully landing on his other side to not aggravate his bruise He pushes up and almost touches Cole but instead his feet land one on the outside of Cole's legs and the other in between. 

'Shit.' He curses in his head before taking a risk and pushing up as hard as he could, getting up on his feet, he doesn't stumble but stays still for a second to see if he disturbed anyone. He lets out a huff of victory and tiptoes out of the room, sliding the door shut behind him. 

Lloyd hums, treading towards the med-bay where they store everything for healing. The blonde strolls in and starts scanning all of the drawers before opening one that was labeled creams. He sticks his hand and rummages through its contents, picking out the tube he needs.

To not illuminate the area and wake anyone up he opens up the bathroom door and closest it behind him. The darkness surrounds him and he feels unnerved, the feeling of the Overlord around him and suffocating him comes back.

Lloyd's breaths shake and his hands tremble, lurching out and slamming his hand against the wall. "Fuck, I can't fail. Everyone's depending on me." He mumbles unconsciously, his palm sliding against the wall. He feels something poke him in the hand and his fingers fumble to flick it.

Light floods the bathroom, his shaky legs almost give out and he slams his hands against the counter. "Come on, you're not there. Nothing happened Lloyd." 

Green eyes meet green as Lloyd stares at himself in the mirror. He hates it. The curse that this gi has bestown upon him at birth. 

He sighs, suppressing the urge to just curl up into a ball and cry or maybe punch the wall in exhausting anger that he's felt all of his life. Lloyd ignores the weight on his shoulders to turn the faucet on and splash water in his face.

"Alright." He states before turning his attention to the crushed tube in his grasp. He uncaps it with ease and just stares at it. When did he become so unfazed at injuries? 

Lloyd shakes his head and squeezes the cream, a big dollop landing on his fingertips. Abandoning the item -like his mother did- on the counter he props up his injured leg against the wall. The blonde hisses as he accidentally puts pressure on the bruise. Lightening his palm, his palm slowly starts to cover the area with the cream. 

Light footsteps start coming towards his location and Lloyd rolls down his leg pant quickly. Stepping back, he settles in a defensive position in the confines of the bathroom, he tugs the curtain back and he hides behind it in the shower.

The door creaks open and someone stumbles in. Lloyd doesn't have it in him to relax, not knowing who the intruder was. The figure practically runs closer and Lloyd shifts on the balls of his feet. The person turns and drops on their knees, the clank of the toilet seat being flicked up reaches the blonde's ears. 

Suddenly the person starts to throw up, their sillouette shaking and shaky breaths echoing through the room. Lloyd, now knowing they couldn't be a threat, steps out. 

The blue gi gives him away.

Jay's shaking figure - sobbing and retching - turgs at Lloyd's heartstrings and he has the mercy to close the door.

"I'm supposed to be dead." Jay whispered, sniffles and cries bursting out of his person. He turns and kneels next to the man, holding his ginger curls away from the blue ninja's face. Blue eyes meet green, oozing gratefullness, confusion, anger and pure misery and his heart sings because he knows, he knows. 

He stays nothing because theres nothing else to say and there's nothing he could string together that could ever possibly help.

Lloyd kneels, tangling his fingers in Jay’s hair and pulling them away from his face. The blue ninja slams his hand on the toilet bowl, sobs ripping out from his throat as he wails and cries. “I’m supposed to be dead!” 

And instead of whispering reassurances that held no meaning or deny any of the self hatred the lightning ninja felt. Or telling him that his completely valid emotions weren’t justified. He stayed silent. 

Waiting.

Just waiting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> waiting /wādiNG/  
> noun
> 
> the action of staying where one is or delaying action until a particular time or until something else happens.


	9. Relaxation and then some

Jay didn't sleep that night, neither did he sleep for the next or the next.

What day was it again?

The blue ninja took out his phone - which he almost always forgets about - and turned it on, if only for a brief moment and saw it was Wednesday. He squints his eyes, it had been a week already since the incident? He shrugs, shoving his phone back in his pocket and turning back to the tv screen.

It had been a while, everyone in the team had decided bonding was in order (nobody voiced it was because of the growing rift between them all, he doesn't think they can handle it). He shifts in his spot in the couch, leaning into the armrest and settling his arm on it to hold up his head. He ignores the growing pit in his chest that seems to gnaw at his energy and decides to pick up a controller.

Lloyd sat in front of him, leaning back on his feet that were starting to prickle due to vertigo but Jay didn't have the heart to tell him to move. His gaze travels to the screen where lines of code worked to give them the old fashioned game they were playing, Fist To Face 2. He watches patiently for the round to finish to join the others in the all vs. all fighting game. Jay purposefully avoids looking at his hands until one of them starts itching, instinctively, his attention gravitates and he stares.

(Suddenly, he hears female, high pitched screams ringing in his ears as his muscles flexed to hold up Samantha's weight. He feels the burn as his body vehemently held onto Grayson with only just sheer willpower alone. He felt as if he was about to split in half from the uneven distribution of weight. Blood and dirt caked his hands and his rough palms scraped against her nimble and soft ones as he was tugged away to survive the encounter alone.)

"Suck it Kai!" He heard Nya cry out and he turns his attention back to the present, albeit with much effort. Sapphire eyes focus on the girl who started mocking her older brother while Cole, Lloyd and Zane kept playing at the game. Nya was eliminated quite quickly after defeating Kai since she was more focused at laughing at him than her own character which everyone had silently agreed to target.

While the game raged on, shouts and yells coming from the remaining players and cheers and boos coming from the rest of the crowd he started to think. Think about Nya, as painful as it had been before - and it still stung - it wasn't bad. He didn't resent Cole anymore for chasing a woman who was never really after him anyway. The woman had slipped from his fingers like water and found another and he felt like he was finally coming to terms with that.

A small smile slipped onto his face and while he didn't feel joy, he didn't feel any joy in the moment, at least he could pretend. Comfortably numb, he could deal with that, better than it usually was. Finally, Zane's laugh and Cole's groans of dismay seemed to reach his ears and he focuses again.

"Come on Cole, you just got your butt handed to you." Lloyd faked sympathy, patting Cole on the back as he pouted playfully. He snorts and rolls his eyes. "Come on, I'll show ya'll how a real FTF 2 pro plays." Jay challenges with a grin, scooting off of the couch and dropping onto the floor. He relishes in the yelp that Lloyd lets out and doesn't bother to apologize. 

Jay goes onto his knees and crawls over to the console, connecting his controller to the mass of wires that sprouted out of the console like vines growing out of a tree. "You're on!" Kai exclaims from behind him. He sits on his ass and butt-scoots back to leaning back on the couch, it seemed that Lloyd had stolen his spot and he narrows his eyes at the green ninja who smiles innocently.

Determined to get his revenge, he lays his back on his legs and goes limp except for his hands as to make his weight press on the green ninja's legs. Nya migrated alongside her brother, sitting on the armrest and putting some of her weight on him as to not accidentally lose her balance and fall. Cole, on the other hand had decided to lay down, using Zane's shoes as makeshift pillows.

The game music started and the new match started loading up. "Select your character!" The tv all but commanded and little arrows scrambled to get their preferred characters. His thumbs drift towards his usual character, Frazer. The character was the one who resembled him the least in any aspect, visual wise and even personality wise in the story mode but he liked his stats, specifically his hp and speed - even if his attack could be a hit or miss.

Kai had chosen Osian, one of his mains but not the one he used the most, she was dainty looking but arguably one of the most op characters in the game. Zane and Cole had both taken the same character, Adil, they resembled Sensei Wu a lot but they had their garments changed to their respective gi colours. Nya had hesitated before picking her favourite character, Aoife, he arguably looked a lot like if Kai and Skylar had a child. Lloyd finally waited till everyone chose their characters before smirking and - while everyone looked - clicked on the random button.

"Screw it, random round." Cole commanded, scrolling through all the options and clicking on the same one that the blonde had. Everyone else followed suit, Jay prayed that he didn't get Adil cause he sucked with that character. As Zane clicked last they all held their breath, the room silent for the first time today.

"Yes!" He yelled, pumping his fist up in victory as he saw that he had gotten Declain, the fastest character in the whole game. "No!" He heard a few of them cry out as the screen revealed their characters. He feels Lloyd shift and he glances up. The blonde practically had stars in his eyes and as he glances down he sees that he got Abdul, the green ninja's favourite.

Jay looks back up and observes the green ninja for a mere second - that feels like hours but the game hadn't officially started as he took an assessment. The blonde strands on his head swooped down his face and was pushed behind his elf tipped ears. His emerald eyes seem to sparkle with glee and his mouth is curled up in a smirk that had slowly started to morph into a toothy smile that showed his pearly whites.

Jay shakes his head, tilting his head down just in time to see the round start. The button mashing and yells of his teammates forced him to concentrate, his tongue sticking out of the corner of his mouth by just a sliver. "Come on, come on Declain." He mumbled, landing a few hits on Zane before retreating and going after Nya who had very low hp due to Kai taking out his frustrations from last round. She was fairly easy to get rid of and he couldn't help but smirk at the frustrated but amused cry she let out at being eliminated.

Unmistakably, Lloyd took down Zane with remarkable ease since Zane had gotten Aoife which he never used but was taken down by a combination of Jay and Cole -Jay landed the last hit which made the green ninja lightly kick him on the back in response. "Come on guys!" This made the lightning ninja stick a tongue out towards him and since he took his attention off of the screen had his hip lowered severely by Kai.

"Crap!" He mumbled, dodging the two other ninjas as they scrambled after him. After doing a few trick shots that the other two hadn't mastered to get away they turned against each other. They had both been forced with Frazer -which only Kai was relatively good with. So it was no surprise when Kai ended up quickly taking Cole down using a barrage of combos.

The last Frazer landed back on the platform but was punched in the back by Declain who's fist was surrounded in a blaze of dramatic lighting and classic gaming music. The lighthearted tune chirped eagerly from the tv while Kai groaned out dramatically because of his defeat. A smile sprung on the blue ninja's lips as he whooped in victory, the others joining in.

"As long as Kai didn't win I was good with anything." Nya joked, looking at her brother with a competitive glint in her eye and a Cheshire grin. "Oh, I'm definitely going after you next round." Kai announced, the same mischief reflected in his hazel orbs as his sisters. Cole pushed himself up in a sitting position and lightly elbowed Jay in the side, his expression clearly showing his amusement.

"How long till they start throwing punches?" He teases, Zane and Lloyd hearing in as well. The ice ninja makes a pensive face and Jay comically places a finger on his face, exaggerating his pout. "Two minutes, give or take." He bets, Lloyd chuckles above him and the ginger tips his head back to land on the green ninja's lap to mock glare.

"I calculate approximately one minute before they begin." The blonde comments, Jay opens his mouth to retort only for his brain to fall flat on any comebacks. Instead, all he can think about is the mop of blonde hair on Lloyd's head, the green and bright eyes that held a mischievous glint to them. The dazzling smile that curled those pink lips and the dimples that appeared at the man's cheeks. Jay felt his breath disappear -much to his chagrin.

Lloyd and Cole's cheering break him out of his trance and he turns to see that Nya and Kai had in fact started to playfully grapple, toppling off of the couch and writhing on the floor. Cole takes a can of pop and takes a sip while Zane sits back and watches. He leans back onto Lloyd's legs again and the green ninja threads his hands through Jay's hair, it was surprisingly domestic for a group of ragtag ninjas.

"Dinner boys!" A female voice yelled, Jay lurches forward, looking through the slit between the wall and the door to see ginger hair. "Skylor!" Kai cries out, being interrupted before he could run to meet his girlfriend by his sister who had grabbed him by the middle and thrown him on the floor, jumping up and running towards the kitchen. "Hey, you can't hug my girlfriend before me!" He whined, hot on his heels.

"Watch me flame-breath." Nya's laughter and taunts spurred them all to get a move on, Jay getting up first and holding out his hand for Lloyd to take whom laced their fingers and pulled himself up. His heart stopped at the familiarity and Lloyd's face suddenly looked a lot more feminine and his clothing had strangely turned yellow before fading into obscurity. He took a rattled breath and mustered a small smile, following Zane and Cole into the kitchen.

"Skylor, good to see ya." He greeted, giving the girl a side hug, the master of amber gladly returned the embrace, gesturing to the table. "Had been planning on a visit for a while and got my guys to make some food for y'all. PIXAL said she was gonna get here a bit later with Misako after finishing some stuff at the museum." She explained, plastic bags filled with takeout containers littered the table, most of them emblazoned with her company's logo except for a few ones that were strangely labeled as Walgreens.

Nya and Kai had already dug into their bags which were kindly labeled for each individual person. "Thanks Skylor, didn't realize none of us had planned on cooking today." Cole thanked and Jay echoed the statement. Skylor sat next to Kai and opened her own takeout food, the others all took the other side of the table, Jay being sandwiched between Zane and Lloyd.

Jay opened his own container and was glad to see that she hadn't filled it to the brim - unlike his brothers whom takeout had been practically stuffed. He collects the packet of chopsticks and lays it on the table. He glances around to see that everyone was eating in a peaceful setting, a few comments being thrown every once in a while.

He starts eating.

The food tastes like ashes.

He slowly nibbles on a piece of one of his dumplings, listening to the conversation around him, content with not speaking up and just enjoying the conversation. Jay glances around, his eye catching on a certain blonde if only for a second only to tear his vision away to Zane, who was speaking. 

The conversation slowly bled out into background noise, his body feeling kind of floaty and irregular as his mind becomes unfocused. Jay feels a tight squeeze in his chest, as if someone had tied a knot with his heart and ribs. He feels his body sway lightly but not enough to be noticeable by the others. 

He hears the conversation around him only for Lloyd to tap his forearm lightly, it takes him more effort than he would like to admit to turn to the blonde. "Hey, you okay?" Jay consciously takes a deep breath and prepares to reply.

"Yeah, just a little lost in thought." 

Cole butt into the conversation with a small tap of the table. "I never thought I'd see the great motormouth not talking for once." Jay rolls his eyes, ignoring the pang of hurt and small whisper in his head telling him he's always the butt of the joke.

"I don't know why it so hard for you to understand, I can be quiet I just choose not to just to annoy you." He claps back with a smirk. He takes another hesitant bite of his food, letting the conversation flow out of his unfocused ears like water down a stream.

He hated this but he just couldn’t let go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gotta be honest, not proud of this chapter, not my best work and its shorter than my usual.  
> I usually don't do these things but if you want some of my better writing I recommend looking at my other work, Cecidit Avis.


	10. X

Jay lay on his bed, feeling his body sink further and further into the mattress as he only stared at the ceiling with a blank expression. Dinner had left a pit in his stomach, the food had seemed good but maybe it was just him. Motivation seeped out of his body, his eyes feeling heavier and heavier but no sleep comes to him. Jay turns his head, his darkened cobalt eyes meeting with his reflection.

Dark circles stained his under eyes, his lightly tanned skin with freckles had receded into a paler than paper tone to the point in which his freckles dotted around his face were more than visible. His hand came up to run through his greasy ginger locks and then to scratch at the stars on his face. He felt a cold that seeped into his very bones.

The man, no boy that helped defeat the overlord for the first time who was just part of a ragtag group of children who were only able to lean on each other was gone. All of their innocence was stripped away in favor of the spoils of war, their eyes cursed with having to see their own -almost- brother die and to lose those close to them. The only thing they're able to do is wait for the next prophesy and hold their team as close as they can while they wonder who'll die next.

How did he get here? How did they all get here?

Jay purses his lips, pulling down his collar to expose his chest to himself. Raised skin stares back at him, none that were created by his own volition. Its the worst violation, having marks and tacks that weren't created by innocent accidents. He lets go of the fabric and stretches it back up to cover his collarbones.

The fight, the struggle of pushing back is killing him, its killing all of them -albeit slowly. He's just one of the first to crack under the pressure. Jay musters up the strength to sit up and lean against the wall. He eyes the covers, hating how sleep evades him so. The ninja turns to plant his feet on the wooden boards firmly, his chest feeling heavy and suddenly the bed feels that much more tempting to sink into.

He wants to escape from this misery, but the only way to do that is doing something he wouldn't be able to take back. His eye catches on the picture of his family, his finger glides on the wooden frame. It was taken after they had taken down the Great Devourer. When they were reaching their peak and hadn't really learned the cost of the war against evil that they've been fighting for more time than not.

Jay sighs, forcing himself to stand. Moonlight filters in through the window, dancing on the floorboards as the curtain lay still. He looks towards the bathroom with an urge, like a craving that hasn't been fulfilled. It claws in his chest and consumes his very being, he can almost smell the blood and smoke and taste the numbness that were sure to follow.

His chest felt heavy, almost as if his lungs were filled with lead. He leans over to open his drawer, rummaging through its contents to find a sharp dagger that glinted in the gentle moonlight. Jay glares at the object, not feeling the pull to use it as he usually does. With a sigh he dips his hand back in the draw, prodding and tapping, he finally finds what he's looking for, taking out a pack of cigarettes. His sapphire eyes look over the small box in his hand.

He had smoked when he was younger -due to wanting to numb the pain of being bullied among other things- but he had stopped when Sensei Wu came to him, realizing that it would affect his health and performance later down the line. He had chosen to do it but the itch to take a cig and light it up to numb himself for just a bit was unbearable. If its just one it won't do anything, right? He could just not get another one. The itch takes over, he takes his fingers to flip open the pack and snatch a cigarette out.

Jay easily finds a lighter after that, opening the window to his room and letting the cold breeze blow in. He places the death-stick between his teeth and -with practiced ease- flicks the lighter on and cups his hand to protect the flame from the icy wind, setting the end of the cigarette on fire.

He draws in a breath from his mouth, inhaling the smoke that starts filtering through the stick. The nicotine hits Jay hard, he moans from the familiar sensation, the smoldering taste and heat in his mouth feeling so good after so long. He takes the cig out of his mouth and opens his lips, letting his tongue hang out to feel the cool wind against his heated jaw. His emotions shrivel into as close as a joyful feeling as he's felt in a long time, he slips the cigar back in his mouth and closes his eyes, feeling the moment.

A lazy smile tugs on his lips, opening his eyes and looking at the moon, feeling the light reflect off of his skin like a chilly spotlight. The deep breaths that he takes don't feel as heavy anymore, even with the knowledge that he's poisoning his lungs, he doesn't really feel any guilt over it. Laughter echoes through the creaky walls of his blue stained room, it wasn't his. Loneliness threatens to consume his being only to be waved away by a swirl of grey vapor that surrounded his body in a dance.

He feels warm.

Too soon did the roll of tobacco turn into ashes between his fingers, he resisted the urge to retrieve another death-stick, feeling it better to save them for another time, instead he focused on enjoying his current high. The smell of smoke swirled above his head and he wonders if he could get back in touch with his old drug dealer only to shake his head. He wasn't going to ruin this with feelings of guilt for even considering such a thought.

Jay throws the butt of the cigarette out of the window with a small smirk.

It doesn't take long for the feeling of depression to envelop his chest once again, feeling it wriggle in an ugly manner. His smirk turns into a snarl, he regretted that small promise he made. The little anger he could feel from the sad haze that was his emotions powered him to snatch another death-stick from the carton.

Hesitation stops him for a second only to feel the familiar feeling of the void overpowering his common sense. He was going to die soon anyway, if it was through some shit form of lung cancer, himself or another risky mission is all for time to tell.

The cigarette doesn't take long to burn through so he takes another and another and another and he quickly found he tore through seven of them in a desperate haze. It was fine, he had the other thirteen along with some extra packs, he's glad past him had thought of bringing them aboard.

He looks around the room, the eighth cigarette between his teeth, the fumes dancing around his room, clouding his vision from the thick smoke, another puff of grey blows out of his nose. Peace grips his being for the first time in years, there are no images of Samantha's fear-filled face or her screams ringing in his ears for once.

All there is, is Jay Walker and a cigarette on a ship full of people but feeling as lonely as ever.

His mind wanders as he retrieves his sharpened dagger, twirling it between his fingers with practiced ease. He should probably shower soon to get rid of the smell of smoke that clung to clothing but he couldn't help but finish the last cig, pressing it against the mirror to put it out, leaving a bit of soot on the glass. Jay collects all of the remaining butts he had smoked on a whim and threw them out of the window one by one.

He takes a deep breath, it doesn't hurt. The taste of nicotine sticks to his tongue and he relishes the warm feeling it brings him. He doesn't even bother to change, just takes off his plain silver necklace and places it on the bathroom counter.

Jay steps into the shower, fully clothed, turning on the hot water and letting himself get doused in the liquid. He pushes his fabric covered back onto the wall and let himself slide down to the floor.

He doesn't leave the shower for a while, just sitting there, and contemplating.

He turns it off after his thoughts turn from depressing to suicidal, stripping off his wet clothes and throwing them back in the shower for him to deal with later. He pulls a towel off of its hangar, swiftly drying himself off and wrapping it around his waist, avoiding any mirrors as he goes into his room and retrieves his pajamas and boxers.

Putting them on, he looks towards the shower with the clothing he knows he should deal with, he doesn't. He lays back on the bed, savoring the still lingering taste of smoke in his taste-buds. His eyes never stray from the ceiling, feels the water in his hair wet the blankets but he couldn't bring himself to care as the darkness threatens to take over.

Sleep doesn't take long to take it in its cruel embrace, he wakes up with the familiar pit in his chest again.

Jay wishes he never woke up.


End file.
